When it comes right down to it, it has to be a joint decision and both of you want to have it. Your reasoning is legit., but to add to it, point out that as you age the quality of your Sperm declines as does her egg fabrication for a lack of better word, which can lead to the possibilty of miscsarriage and having a challenged child.
It's about quality of life, your life, so have a heart to heart and point out your concerns and listen to her reasoning, and if all else fails both of you should talk to her OB and get the lowdown on what challenges older parenting so she hears it from da man.

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Make Babies, Not War!
I Wanna Know How Forever Feels...

"I love all three of my boys, and I would not trade them for anything in the world. But, I have to work really, really hard every minute of everyday to take care of them."

Wouldn't this be the case if there was one boy, two boys or five? I have two and I work hard at taking care of them.

I think that the amount of work/time is a very important aspect to consider, however it's going to be difficult no matter the number of children. I feel that the main thing to consider would be the economics of the household as well as the environment the new child will be brought up in.

Just my two cents...

Yeah, it's not so much that you don't have to work as hard, but you definitely have to work more. I have a 4 year old and an 11 month old. Getting them to nap at the same time takes an act of Congress (legislation was passed today, fortunately). We don't have as much down time/easy time -- whatever you want to call it -- w/ two as we did with one (w/ three . . . gosh, would you have any?). I don't try any harder than I did w/ one, I just have to try hard more of the time.

I has been worth it, for sure, and the thought of having two children to talk and laugh with as I do now have one spurs me on. The infant stage will fly by (and w/ it the cuddling and softness that only a baby can give you . . . so don't rush it!). That baby will become a toddler and in turn your next Alena -- another great, young conversationalist.

Money, space and other concerns -- all so very valid. Best of luck to you as you work through it all.

KevH,
Love your point. I never thought of it that way. Just last week, I told my wife that I didn't think it would be a good idea to have a fourth child. I did the exact same math regarding my age, and decided that I didn't want to have a child that would only be 39 when I am 78! I didn't take it the next step like you did to think about how he would be there for and with his older siblings. Thanks for making me think.

My wife and I, when we were dating, engaged and just married, had talked about our dreams of a family together. We both had come in thinking we would have two kids. So, we've always wanted two and that's what we have.

More work? Sure, it'd be more of the same hard work and effort (LOVE) you already put in. But so what? It isn't like your children would have to go halfsies on your love. They both get it, full and complete.

John Wooden, legendary college basketball coach once said, “It’s life’s greatest challenges that give us the most satisfaction.” I couldn't agree more.

Doing the math and talking about how tired you'll be never really figured into our choice for a second. Did I think about it? Sure, but it isn't about how tired I would be. I feel that is sort of selfish, in the big picture. We had our second child when I was 39. My wife was 32. Sure, I'll be 78 when she's 39. But, so what? I do my best to live healthy and hopefully live a long life, but you just never know. The ol' "You could go out and get hit by a bus tomorrow". To say that your child will have someone if you die when your 78? That's true, but on the other side of that, what happens if you and your wife, God forbid, get hit by a truck and die on your next date night? Well then, my 7 and 4 year old won't be as alone in the world because they'll have each other. This isn't what we based anything on, really. Sounds unlikely, but again, you never know. You can't not go out for fear of that happening. No matter how much you prepare to stay in your safe and comfy zone, anything can happen. Plus, staying in your safe zone can really set limitations to the possibilities in life.

We liked the dynamic a second child would add to our family. Our children are three years apart and they are really good friends. They challenge each other in ways an only child might not get. But we don't have an only child, so I can't really comment on that. They provide entertainment for each other so dad and mom and get a breather in the day. My second child seems to be grasping things a bit sooner than our first because she wants to do everything he does. He reads to her. They color together. They play together. And of course, they occasionally fight together in ways that a 7 and 4 year old do. But these can also be a clearing for lessons in conflict resolution or other social skills to develop. We can ponder and debate until we are blue in the face. It all comes down to the individual family dynamic and what works for you.

I wouldn't do anything different if I had the chance. I don't have regrets about how long we waited to have kids. When we had them was the perfect time for us.

There has been some excellent advice posted here. Keep the dialog alive with your wife. Be present to what she is saying and what her needs are, just as she should be with you. Money and space are considerations, but you'll make it work. AMR nailed it when he posted, "That baby will become a toddler and in turn your next Alena -- another great, young conversationalist." And, Alena will have her experiences with you to share with the young one. She might even ask the baby to help her look for her "favorite thing"!

-Brian

Okay, it's apparent to me that this may be too personal of an issue to put it up for public review.

...than the one I really wanted answered. I just realized that what I really wanted to know was if there is anyone out there who has had this discussion who decided NOT to have another child. It seems to me like everyone decides to just go ahead and take the plunge. Has anyone had their spouse decide they wanted another child and NOT ended up adding to their family? Everyone I know whose wife wanted more than one child now has more than one child...

It's a very delicate subject, it seems to me. If you can't both agree on whether or not you want another child, isn't there the chance that one or the other ends up feeling resentful? It seems that if someone is talked out of having another child, they will always feel resentful and wonder "what if?", while it's less likely that a spouse talked INTO having another child will end up with the same type of resentment...unless the family unit ends up dissolving because of the financial/emotional strain. That may sound cynical, but every month since my wife has been working from home, we've had to dip into our savings to pay the bills. So to me, to suggest having another child is slightly irresponsible.

That said, I also know that if we had plenty of money and a big enough home, I'd say "yes" to another child in a second. So is that all this boils down to? I guess so.

I'm just thinking out loud, trying to figure out how I really feel about all of this. Feel free to keep chiming in...

I guess the bottom line is, if you love children and you love your spouse, there's no such thing as an unwanted child. I'm sure I had similar fears about having our first child, and now I can't imagine life without her. So to say it will all work out, either way, is probably true.

Thanks for all of your comments.

Eric

www.alenabooks.com

We adopted one child when I was 46 and I thought I was too old then. 2 years later the birthmother became pregnant again (different father) and offered us the child. After sleepless nights, no sex, no interest in sex, no free time I thought one child was enough. My partner talked me into this second one ( I know, a gun wasn't being held to my head) and I love him dearly but still believe part of my life was given in exchange for letting this child come into our lives. I think I still subconsciously blame my other half for persuading me. Now at 49 I am tired ...looking towards retirement has turned to looking towards 529 plans. I know there are people out there praying for another child- I sometimes feel guilty for my feelings, whatever they might be. I don't know how dads find the time or energy for all their kids....tell me something or someone isn't shortchanged at the end of the day. I mean 24 hours is 24 hours...

My wife and I have 3 kids and I didn't have to be talked into any of them, because I wanted each of them too. Now the wife wants a 4th and that one I may need to be talked into. I'm just replying to say, no kids aren't cheap. My wife was actually making less than I was when we decided I would be a S.A.H.D. and she isn't a doctor or lawyer so we aren't rolling in cash. We often live paycheck to paycheck. So why am I adding my 2 cents? I guess just to agree with everyone here...talk this through carefully with the wife until you come to a unified agreement, one that won't cause resentment for either of you. Also, know that whether you only have the one or do decide to have more, you will absolutely love that child you and your wife decided to make together. How could you not love something that is made with the woman you love? Good luck on your decision!

PS: The bookstore called and I get to pick up your book tomorrow. YEAH! We're going to give it to the kids for Christmas.

Check out my ramblings on life at http://www.sahdguy.blogspot.com/