It happened to me. At-Home-Envy was a huge issue to overcome, and it hit hardest about six months into it. It was really upsetting for the two of us to realize that neither of us were entirely happy with the cards that we were dealt.

The biggest issue was that I was a good Dad, but a lousy house-husband. I didn't take the time to learn how to cook, and I was lazy about cleaning or house repair... basically, I had the serious flaw of being domestically immature. I've noticed that other Dads who take on the at-home position are usually more mature than me regarding running the house. But like Noonan (old school Dad from chicago) said to me once, "If you don't start taking care of the house, you may soon be fired from your job."

I actually made the mistake of telling my wife, "women asked for this type of equality, so why is this feminist role-reversal blowing up in my face now?" She thought that was extremely insulting, and maybe it was. I don't recommend making similar comments based on my days in the doghouse.

In any case, the topic hasn't come up recently at all. Maybe because she now understands the personal challenges that I've had to face with the situation. I've told my wife that I don't mind working, but that it would be stupid for us to switch positions (because there is not but the slightest of chances that I could earn her income). It would be much smarter to do daycare. She wasn't satisfied with that defeatist response at first, but it's ultimately true even if it's hard to accept.

I think it's important to remember that any decision you make isn't immutable. It's OK to switch gears and do daycare or to rejoin the workforce, but I can't recommend switching domestic/occupational roles because the situation is uncomfortable due to feelings. It really should come down to economics, and that's it.

Hope that helps.

Hell yeah it's something to worry about. The wife brings it up as a major argument nuclear weapon every 6-ish months.

There are sure to be various emotions, but don't pre-judge which ones you and your wife will encounter...and remember that there are very legit hormonal effects going on that may color your post-partum interactions (see: "who put this alien in my wife's body"). My wife and I have, of course, had our various issues re: kids over the past 7 years, but resentment was not one of them so I can't specifically speak to that one. We had initially thought that my wife might stay home for #2 which I suppose muted any resentment that might have come up initially since she knew she could still "have a turn". We very quickly and mutually arrived at NOT switching for #2 since we were both much happier doing "our" job and NOT the other's job, so by then resentment wasn't really going to figure into our dynamic...

Some great stories have already been posted in this thread, I'll only add one more thing of substance: make really REALLY sure you have the best open communication with each other that you possibly can...but with all the prep work you're doing, I'm guessing you already have that. The work you are doing now preparing for this possibility will serve you very well once you get there.

- Andy

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http://groups.yahoo.com/group/kcdad/

1/26/2007 7:27:28 AM

At least for me and every relationship it’s different, she blasts me (at least monthly) with the “I wish our responsibilities were reversed” bellyache, and it’s getting old. I’ve seen how she reacts when things get at little uneasy around the house with the little guy, and it invariably ends up with her screeching my name to mediate their differences. When it comes right down to it, she couldn’t handle doing the toddler scene day in, day out. She makes more and I am better with my son, it’s just the way our cards were dealt, I would love to work again.
There are days where my son raises cane when she leaves for work and I get a call 10 minutes later where she says “you don’t know how hard that is, it just kills me” and I respond with the “oh but I do, I am here putting out the spot fire and you get to pop in a CD and get to work away from us for 8 hours” routine.

So what I guess I am saying is, there will be issues and there will always be issues with you being the primary care person.

My suggestion when you at home becomes an issue, is for mom and dad take vacation time at the same time only she stays home with the little one and you go somewhere be it your folks, the beach or a friend for the week and see how it goes. Just be unavailable and she could see what it’s like with no support daily. You will more than likely see new unflattering traits surface in your spouse. If she is still talking to you, (hopefully I’m just kidding) talk about how the week went for you and her. At the very least you’ll score a little dad time away from the kids, which will eventually become an issue with your sanity in the first two or so years then fade away about the time the Pull Ups make an exit.

In the end she’ll whine at least you got to go somewhere for vacation and I’ll whine at least you get to go to work everyday. Like I said in the beginning all relationships are different and this was just a little glimpse into my life.

Have a great day!

Is est a sapiens abbas ut teneo suus own parvulus.

-MileHiDad

It is a wise father that knows his own child.
-Stay at Home Dad Blog

TrophyHusband said it, don't EXPECT certain emotions to happen, for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is you have no idea which ones will occur & in what order. Be prepared for everything like you hope you are with the kids. Just assume that every day will be a new day in "Hormone Land" & challenge yourself to set a new high score in the "tolerance" category.

The reality of it is, it sucks for both sides & neither one of you will ever fully understand what the other is going through. She'll hear the snide comments at work from jealous co-workers or the usual office gossips & you'll hear comments from SAHM's who like to gossip @ drop-off/pick-up times @ school. These people are mean & hurtful & they don't care how bad they make you feel. Develop selective hearing like your kids.

There is but one solution & both of you must practice it & it is the hardest thing in the world to learn to do. You cannot, under any circumstances, get defensive & lash out. Sure, you've had worse days @ home than what she is complaining about @ the moment, but dragging them into the conversation to try & gain some "Oh yeah, well I've got it tough too, you know" points is just like beating your head against the wall because it feels so good when you stop. You have to listen & not take it personally, even though it is meant to be that way. Anger comes out of pain & frustration & you can't feel her pain if you are arguing about who has more. Just listen. Hear her frustration with the situation, ask her questions about what she is saying. Chances are it's not you, you're just the only one she can take it out on without getting fired. Sorry.

About 6 months into my second stint, my wife came home 1 day & just teed off on me. I heard every thing I'd ever done wrong in my whole life seemingly & given that the house was moderately clean @ the time & I was making dinner, this was WAAAAAY out of the norm for her. So, I got pissed & while waiting for my opening to fire back, I heard something I'd never heard before, sadness in her rant. So I waited & I listened & eventually she ran out of steam & just stopped, burst out crying & ran upstairs to our room. The proverbial light went on in my head & I gave her a minute or two & followed her up. I asked her what happened to set her off & made a joke about my dinner not be hard enough to make & she laughed & told me she was getting snide comments about our situation @ work. I was thrilled to have an enemy I could fight without wrecking my marriage. My wife is damn good @ her job. She's gotten 3 promotions in 5 years & makes great money. She is known & respected across the country in her company & they even know about me & what I do. I told her she should be flattered that the only thing these jealous people can find to say about her is that I raise our kids. It's trash talk, nothing more. She thought about it for a minute & laughed & that was it. Of course she planned to call the a-holes in question on the carpet the next time something got back to her & she did, but that's another matter.

The important thing for both of you to remember is that if things could be different, they would be, but that for now, for what you both want for your family & your children, is for one of you to be the caregiver instead of some stranger. That is your reality. This is not about who is a better parent or breadwinner or both, it is about providing the best possible care for the kids according to the two of you. Money is one issue certainly, but the primary issue is that you want to raise your kids, not latchkey kids.

Cooler heads must prevail. They won't for awhile, but eventually you'll figure it out. We rarely fight about this stuff anymore. The first couple of years were hard, but like everything else, you just learn to deal with it. Your kids don't do what they do because they sit around thinking about how to piss you off or drive you nuts, they're just kids being kids. Chances are your wife didn't leave the house this morning looking forward to her morning commute so she could put the finishing touches on her master plan to verbally assault you later today either. Something happened, or has been happening that set her off & lucky you, today is the day that final straw made it onto the proverbial camel's back. Don't fight fire with fire, just let her fire burn itself out before you set yours. That way the whole thing doesn't go up in flames.

Making it look difficult. Living the dream.

She won't resent you doing it as much as she'll resent ANYONE doing it besides her. If it was a nanny, she'd feel even worse, because to the nanny your child is a job, not her child. The first time one of my kids fell down and got hurt and yelled "Daaaadddeeee!" instead of "Mommy" I thought she'd never stop crying. It won't be easy, but resentment is just one of many things you two will experience together. Envy, frustration, taken for granted, unappreciated, disrespected....all this and more can be yours! But the one thing that makes it all worthwhile? Feeling your kids hug you and tell you they love you for no particular reason other than you were there.

Now, when she comes home, they yell, "Mommy's home!" and I get to be jealous of not getting the same reception. It's hard for both and both will feel they have given up more than the other, but those feelings never last. The memories you make together with your kids, those always last.

Making it look difficult. Living the dream.

Looks like I'm not the only one with a sometimes resentful spouse. Glad to know I'm just a normal AHD.

I think the previous posters have pretty much covered it all except for spousal backseat driving. This is something to be concerned about as well, especially if your wife wants to be at home but can't based on her earning potential versus yours.

As I said, my wife is sometimes resentful. This is typically based on how busy or stressful her work is that day/week/month, and as such is a temporary phenomenon. But, she's more often than not a backseat driver to my parenting, and this is much more stressful to me than her resentfulness. From how the kids are dressed to how they are disciplined, I often feel more like a nanny and less like a daddy. I don't know if this is resentment or guilt or what, but there it is. I call her on it when she does it, and talk with her about it when I think it's getting out of hand. But, it's still happens.

I underestimated how devastating it was for Tina to relinquish her role as the stay-at-home mom. Since she was a little girl she dreamed of being a stay-at-home mom and now she had to give it up.

Tina’s resentment was also exacerbated by comments she received from relatives, friends, neighbors and strangers. “How could you leave your kids alone with your husband?” “You did what?” “Why isn’t Hogan working?” “When is Hogan going back to work?” The constant barrage of these comments made Tina feel like she was being a bad mother.

One way she dealt with her loss of motherhood was to come home and criticize the way I took care of the household and the kids. Much of which at that time came from her passive-aggressive behavior.

After she came home from work she would do things like vacuum the house after I had already done it. Clean over areas I had already cleaned. Dress the kids in different outfits. (My standards for dressing the kids were different than hers. I wasn't good at color coordinating their outfits.) I misinterpreted her actions as telling me that I wasn’t doing a good enough job. And that wasn’t the case. She was making up for lost time with the kids but couldn’t find the words to just tell me.

Here is how I dealt with the vacuuming issue:

Instead of assuming Tina’s reason for vacuuming the house, I finally asked Tina why. She said vacuuming the house was down time she needed to transition from working mom to stay-at-home mom. After this conversation I stopped vacuuming the house. Which meant one less chore for me. Eventually, I relinquished other cleaning duties because these chores were a way that Tina measured her role as a mother. And I had no problem giving them up.

BTW, I commend you for reaching out to this group and seeking our advice. There is a lot to consider before making this choice because it isn’t for everyone.

Keep us posted on your decision. If you decide to make this leap of faith into the at-home dad lifestyle, you’ll be much better prepared than I was 18 years ago. And I hope to see you at the 14th At-Home Dad Convention in Omaha next October.

My wife likes the fact that I am home all the time .My kids behave alot better .I have been at home for 2 months now .Don't get me wrong I realize that I'm doing my part .I have never been without a job how long does it take not to feel guilty .