I get along really well with my in-laws over all, but they really don't understand how I can be at home while their daughter is out there working and earning the money. They are farmers in Iowa and come from a very small community where men only do 'manly' things. A dad staying at home with the kids is unheard of. They never really say much of anything about it when we visit, but when ever I try to help around the house there, I get a look and am told that I don't need to do that. This would be fine if in the next breath they didn't ask my wife to help with it. So...you live with it and know that you did what was best for your family. Good luck with it...I've come to just accept it.

Check out my ramblings on life at http://www.sahdguy.blogspot.com/

We have a strange one here...

My wife has a PhD in chemistry and is a Director at a major pharmaceutical company. We met in college, I have a BS in Computer Science and rode the Internet Bubble with no regrets.

Her parents - her father is a PhD in Education and just retired from public high school teaching. He mother has a Masters and teaches at the local community college. So you'd think they understand all this stuff...

My wife obviously has much more 'potential' and long-term career possiblities. Our decision was made long before we married. One of us, no question, would raise our children at home. I decided I 'could' stay home when I saw a friend of mine do it out of necessity, saying, "if Jim can do it, so can I"

As a computer guy, I was making good money and could have easily supported my family on my sole income. But that said, my wife was pulling in 50% more than I was still. If I were still working, I think now she'd be double what I was earning. We have no financial complaints.

Her parents though have been so against our decision from day one that it finally led to as blow-up over Mothers Day while we visited them in the mid-west before our move to the East Coast (NJ). Her dad went off on me, telling me how he never liked me, thinks I'm a loser and screw up, etc. I need to tell you, that I was very successful professionally and an active member and teacher at our church. These statements are literally "out of the blue."

In the years since I have 'retired' I have been offered freelance work in the $100+/hr range and turned all but one small job down. The whole 'screw-up' and loser comment just blew me away - totally!

What my wife hates about this is that in their baseless problems with me staying home (been home for 6.5 years by the way when this blow up occurred) is that in doing so, they show lack of respect for her and her decisions. She comes from an 'educated' family and pursued that education herself, getting a full-ride undergraduate scholarship and then similar graduate program, earning high praise along the way. How stupid it would be for her to then walk away from all of that. So although they are dissing me in all of this, they are really dissing her and her poor choices and decisions too, something they fail to see.

Her father has always been rude and weird about and around me, but this blow-up was certainly unexpected. His comments about "never" and "from the start" were what really took the cake. I remained extremely calm at his tongue lashing. In ministry we have a phrase "hurting people hurt." I believe he was "hurt" that his daughter and grandson's were moving from Michigan to NJ and they would see them less frequently. I believe he needed to create an incident, in his mind at least, such that there was a big fight and thus I hate him and won't allow him to visit, thus giving him reason for not visiting us in NJ. Now it's our fault, we don't feel comfortable around him, therefore he has no guilt at not visiting the grand kids. My theory only.

So worse than this though... as if it could get any worse... my wife's sisters who have always been supportive and such... After this incident, over Mothers Day with us moving 2 weeks later, her un-educated (good people, just without college degrees or a solid career), job-hopping sisters chimed in. My wife reminded them that it wasn't my/dad/Caleb's fault that we were moving, but that it was her job and why is everyone upset at me (meaning Caleb).

Their response? It is Caleb's fault! I should get a job and we should stay in the mid-west! And again, in stating this, they insult her decision to work and make her feel guilty for not being home with the kids. Completely unbelievable!

So anyway, thankfully my wife and I are cool with all this. Her family, specifically her dad, tried to apologize. he made a big deal of apologizing. I told him no problem, I forgive him for how he spoke to me and all that, BUT ... what he said comes from his heart and obviously he doesn't like me, so knowing that will effect things going forward. He seemed upset that I would continue to use this information going forward.

I told him there's a difference between saying "I hate how you did or treated that or someone" and "I never liked you, youv'e always been a screw up, etc." - obviously he doesn't like me and I don't need for 'forgive' him for feeling that way. If in 13 years I can't make him like me, there's nothing for me to do now, especially living further away.

So amazingly in all this is that this all happened in the weeks before we moved. At the time when her relationships should have been at their best and needed to be going forward, her family basically pushed me, her and us further away. Like I said, I think part of this, armchair psychologist speaking here, is because they needed a 'reason' they could point to or blame for not keeping in touch and visiting over the coming years.

thanks for letting me vent in this threat folks!

PittCaleb

I started working from home in 2002, 4 years prior to my daughter being born. During that time, I created a moderately successful marketing and graphic design business (www.ebacreative.com), wrote 12 feature length screenplays (www.ebafilms.com), wrote and produced 3 short films, participated in a collaborative film called "Realization", published numerous short stories, and started working on a feature documentary (www.redwhiteandbluemovie.com). So what did much of my wife's family and friends think? That I was unemployed and using my wife to work on my "hobbies." That continued after the birth of Alena and throughout her first year, when I actually worked from home as a consultant for a Fortune 500 company and was paid nearly $70000 to do so. I constantly had to listen to my wife explain to her friends and family that I was actually earning more income than she was by going into an office. When I wrote my children's book (www.alenabooks.com), several of her family members said they didn't "get who it was for" because the artwork "is too outlandish for small children."

Of course, now that I'm "gainfully employed" outside of the home (please note the sarcastic quotes), everyone is happy. And of course, we're struggling to pay our bills because my wife is no longer making the type of income she was and is scrambling to find clients for her at-home marketing consulting business. And our savings account dwindles more and more each month. And she's harping on me to get some freelance work outside of my full-time job to stop the bleeding. But everything is fine, now that I'm no longer "unemployed."

But at least I'm not bitter about it...

Heck, I thought I had it bad when it got back to me (my Mother-In-Law was talking to my twin brother, like that wouldn't get back to me) that she was concerned because I was the only one in our family that didn't have a master's degree, that was long before I took the SAHD gig and now they could not be more supportive, but that is rough not having the support of the family, just know that we are all out here supporting the heck out of your choice!!! and as for the inlaws, as my father always says "in this world you have two choices, you can be pissed off for a long time, or get happy"!!

Happy New Year Everyone!!!

db

P.S. Jimmy who needs money when you can tell jokes like you can?
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Denver_Dad/

This is exactly what I love about being a member of this site, secretly feeling like your problems are your own and then hearing about how someone else has the exact same problems. Suffice it to say my In-laws aren't exactly kosher with me being an AHD and they come from an opposite frame of mind than everyone here. Synopsis is this - Rural, Deep South, Pentecostal / S. Baptist, most below poverty line, not much education, don't believe in Dinosaurs (you get the picture). Sometimes I wonder if my wife is REALLY related to these people. Do I really expect them to understand what Mom / Dad roles are in this new era? Not really, so I don't push the subject with any of them and really don't care what they think of my chosen profession. Thankfully, I still have the opportunity to run my Contracting business on the side, so I can interject tales of "actual" work to offset the confusion of me doing "womans work" so we can all get along.

A long time ago, a wise friend told me that you must suffer with your In-laws for five years before breaking ranks and be yourself. The theory is that there is no friction between you and your new "family" for five years, and after tempering them for that long of a period of time, they'll accept you for whatever or whoever you are. (I lasted less than a year...)

Truth is simply this, who cares what others think of what you do, the only thing that matters is our children have the benefit of a strong influence on their development and well being because we chose to do so. And that is what makes me love my job.

and to those who don't "get it", piss up a rope...

Aye, there's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased scotsman...

I shouldn't generalize so much about people from Alabama. So maybe only 80% of my In-laws don't believe in Dinosaurs. But that is just the tip of the iceberg in what is a long list of "problems" between me and them. Thankfully, they don't live in a dry county. Makes those "holiday" gatherings much more palatable...

Aye, there's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased scotsman...

Jimmy has it right - someone always has it as bad or worse. Suffice it to say, the issue is THEIRS, not yours. It is hard not to react to galactically stupid ideas, but it is not likely that you can change anyone who entertains them. Beyond that, to comment about your wife's parents is not, in the long run, going to help you and your wife's relationship.

What I find interesting is that the in-laws can't perceive they are actually dissing themselves and their child, as much or more than us as SAHDs. I have enjoyed (inside my own head) thinking how much fun it would be to "turn the table" and comment as to how I hope my parenting skills will be better than theirs, and that I can teach my kids, as my parents taught me, to "marry up". :) The only limit to my actually commenting about that, is that I didn't "marry" up or down -- I married an equal and we are trying our best to raise thinking, intelligent kids. If we succeed in that task, I figure that is the best "comment" of all.

Man, I hear these stories all the time!

I agree with most of the comments and the actions taken. It's evident to me that our parents taught their children well but forgot to learn it themselves.

For 2.5 years I've heard nothing and hope it stays that way. I'm assuming that no news it good news and it means everything is perfect. That being said, I'm from a family with a long history of avoidance conflict resolution....its a battle I have with myself daily.

Evidently, I should keep my plans about moving to Toronto to myself.

Joel
Madison, Wi
Dylan-2, Surprise-April 30, 2008

http://grateful-joel.blogspot.com/

I couldn't have more supportive in-laws if I tried. I lucked out. My father-in-law was an at-home dad. Mostly through his kids 8-14 years old stretch. He was a work at-home dad, but he had to get the kids from school, cook dinner, and maintain the house while my mother-in-law worked and went to school.

As for my mother-in-law, she's already told off some of her older family who was concerned about my wife and my decision to stay home.

I lucked out, what can I say?

Dayv

www.athomedadconvention.com