I was an in the closet SAHD for a while, because I heard some neighbors making fun of another neighbor that used to be a SAHD. I stopped caring a little over 3 weeks ago (same time I found this site). However many in our family still don't understand I stay home, even though I have told them I do. They kind of say "Oh you stay home when they are sick".

I am tired of explaining it too, but I have found comfort in knowing others are out there too. This is a choice my wife and I made, and we are both very happy with the decision. You get to watch your kids grow firsthand. The old schoolers may never get it, but they will be dead soon. Just a joke there.

As for odd looks... I get them occasionally, but I see enough Dads at the grocery stores with kids that it doesn't seem to be a big deal. I think I get more admiring smiles from other Moms than anything.

Getting some books for my son and there was a library play / read group for toddlers 12 mos and up, and a mom said to me, "oh how nice you have your son for the weekend." (double take) then I said, "no, I take care of my son, I am married and my wife works." Man did the look get even stranger. I know I have only been at this a short time but why is it so difficult for people to understand a father's willingness and wanting to take care of his son or daughter.

More funny than anything...My wife's family gets it but they're sure it's temporary. Their daughter hates taking care of the house and makes three times more money than I can...so, the math works out for us. Her father-in-law likes to ask me how my nurse-maid job is going...this coming from a man who proudly admits that he never changed a diaper or cleaned a dish...

Otherwise, I seem to get the funny looks from women at grocery stores, Target or the play area at our mall. I've been asked two things many times: "so, you're on vacation? It's so nice that you take time off to be with your kids." Or, "Is this your weekend with your kids?" No harm, no foul. There's a reason people look -- I'm the only guy in these places between 9 and 5 so, it's all good.

Great question.

There can be many reasons they can't understand, a few of the more typical ones are; the image they have of their own father (and mother), how they think, feel and attitudes about men, inability to think much for themselves outside the boundaries of what's socially popular or acceptable, their belief systems and more specifically that men are not as prepared or capable of caring for the child, and the most common of all, is just plain lack of awareness or ignorance.

As far as looks go, sometimes it may just be surprise, or a person may not know how to react for lack of experience with the 'situation'. It may also have some to do with the Dad and what people are observing, which could open up other thought, feeling or prejudices. A persons ability to soak in the notion of a SAHD in CIA's case as opposed to a clean cut athletic build guy would add different variables and perhaps different looks.
In any case, these are often just on the spot, brief encounters and interactions where the parties really know very little about each other. With that in mind, take it with a grain of salt.

I would agree with Murph that on some occasions things can be misread so I personally try not to be reactionary based on what I'm perceiving of others.
There have been times when I myself and other SAHD have mistaken looks. However I also know there are times when people just do not accept for themselves the concept of a SAHD, but that is their issue.

In my own experiences there has also been a lot of positive acts from others, compliments, praise, huge smiles, comments that what I'm doing is great, you guys did a great job with your kids in the restaurant, & keep up the good work.

When I started taking the kids to a group of mostly mom's, after a few weeks a couple of them we're telling me how more mom's were coming regularly now because of me. I told them I know you're probably just teasing with me but I thanked them and told them it really means a lot to me and my kids to feel appreciated and accepted here. There were also mom's that didn't talk to me much, but there were also certain other women they didn't talk to either, so I figured it's just their thing, no worries. Anyways, I think it's always better to try to reflect on the positive stuff and try to work on or ignore the rest.

...are moms-only playgroups. This was my St. Patty's Day experience:

There were many more kids than normal at the playground, and my 3 1/2 year-old was invited my one of the 15+ moms there to participate in a scavenger hunt. He was excited about it and immediately went scavenging with another boy his age who was there (my 5-month old girl was in the Bjorn asleep). About 20 minutes into it, the mom who gave the scavenging list to my son comes over and asks about my wife.

I explain that I'm a SAHD, and my wife is at work. Immediate response from her was, "Oh. I'm part of this group, and dads aren't allowed. You should see if your wife wants to join." I had just got done telling her that my wife is a physician with a demanding schedule, but she didn't seem to get the fact that it was I who takes care of our kids. I explained that I was the only one who would be able to attend playgroups. Her response was: "Well, he (my son) can finish up the scavenger hunt, but the picnic is only for members. Bye." She then took her son away from mine and over to the picnic pavilion, where about 30 kids were having a great time.

I've been a SAHD for almost 2 years, and have run the gauntlet of the moms who give weird stares like I'm up to no good, to some truly wonderful moms in my former playgroups (we recently moved). Rude moms really don't bother me that much... until that day. My son had been playing with a new friend for about 20 minutes, and they were getting along well (my son is very well behaved). I was so disturbed by this woman's attitude, a SAHM who supposedly understands that the love of our kids is the reason we choose stay home, that I just left the scavenger bag at the playground and left. I checked their Web site to see if this was this one mom's opinion, and their policy is that dads have to be accompanied by their wives to attend.

On the ride home, I had to explain over and over to my son that he couldn't play with his new friend again because his friend's mommy didn't want daddies in the playgroup... he didn't get it; I don't either. This bothered me more than I thought it would, mainly because it affected my son. I'm not lazy, a rapist, or serial killer; just a dad who loves his kids like all of you. I have a BA from UF and had a great job I held 10 years before I resigned to stay home with the kids. But because I'm a man, my son was excluded. I still don't think he understands why he couldn't play with the other kids.

Anyway, just venting. In retrospect, the playgroup must be more a social group for the moms than the kids. Most of my experiences with other parents at the playground are positive.

Wait a minute. Are you trying to tell me that these antennae of mine are NOT normal. I suddenly feel so out of place and insecure.

North Carolina Dad's Group
http://lindsaybeans.blogspot.com
http://oneredsquirrelinstatesville.blogspot.com

I'm lucky because over the course of nearly 6 years of being a SAHD I've never been treated poorly the way Glenn42 was. I get comments along the lines of, "Oh, you're out with daddy today" or "Is your Mommy home sick today?" but after I say, "We're together every day; this is what I do" people usually understand and say something like, "Oh, that's great.''

I've had plenty of guys say a) they wish they could do what I do or b) they respect what I do because they don't think they could. Yesterday I had a few contractors in to give me an estimate on adding a master bathroom, and I thought maybe these guys being a little more manly than me (a builder, a plumber and an electrician) but they didn't say anything (maybe because they were charmed by my 9-month-old daughter).

I still feel a little insecure in certain situations, such as explaining to my wife's coworkers what I do (she's a lawyer) but honestly nobody's ever considered what I do odd.

www.davebrigham.com

just wondering....based on where folks live. If there are city dads (other than Murph who's from Chicago - Joe where in the burbs?) out there. I have a theory that those in major metropolitan areas get less looks than those in suburban/rural areas. (Although I too think that people think I'm on my day off...but never had a negative incident.) Since in the cities kids are raised by nannies, or we have more non-traditional families: single parent, gay parent(s), intl adoption, etc.

Again, it's a theory. I feel for those guys who feel isolated.

And Glenn42 - damn - can't even fathom. Really sorry. That sucks. (In the words of my 3YO, "You can say it sucks, if it sucks.")

Josh

SAHD Since August 2005

Josh,
I started in Chicago and moved to Boulder. Ten million to 100K population change - the range of people is the same. The incident I described above happened here, but similar ones happened in Chicago too.

Jim
Boulder, CO
Dad to Cole, Luke & Trev

This is not exactly what you want, but here's a start....If you want to popularize the good threads, use the "send to front page" button on the original thread. Enough positive votes, and it goes to the front page for more visibility. And...I will eventually have a "best of" section that is formed from the threads that have the most votes.

...thanks a lot! I almost woke my kid up laughing out loud!!

I love my DILF shirt.

Nice post JPhil, and utterly true.

We make ugly moms.

http://backpackingdad.blogspot.com

I don't really notice them much any more. Every now and then I'll catch the "giving Mom the day off" comment followed by the "oh! so, you're a Mr. Mom!" but whatever. Like Dr. Seuss once said, "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind, don't matter and those who matter don't mind" (or something very close to that). I couldn't agree more.

I will not place meaning on someone's look or the way the did something. It's just who they are being. Judgmental, resigned and cynical. Poor them! When they judge me, they are defining themselves, not me.

Anyway....JPhilip, you rock! You crack me up! We gotta read some of your posts (like the one above) at the anecdotes section of the convention!

Cheers,
Brian

Well, at least some of us do. I seem to remember that we concluded that you were awfully pretty in another thread... ;)

Randy
Cincinnati, OH
SAHD to Ryder (2 yrs)

Great spirits have always experienced violent opposition from mediocre minds. - Albert Einstein

WOW I did not think there was going to be this responce to this how ever I should have known that if I am getting odd looks then others are as-well and I have even gotten that 'Creepy Guy on the Playground' look and it is not a good one and it is even worse when you have a little girl and you go up and scoop her up and she squeels for a min. you get that call the cops look and I live in a area that my closest store is 20 min a way and my town if you blink you will miss it.
I will have to say one good thing I hear a lot is that other women my age to tell my wife that they wish there man would do more around the house like us house dads do.

I just had some new neighbors move in a cross the street, there little girl and mine are in the same class and even better he is a SAHD so my daughter and I have some one new to talk to.
~Daniel~
In Maine
Keeper of Erin & Adam and my wife keeps me.
The honey do list never ends!!!