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Feeling puzzled- a confession

JonMcP
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Alright- today I had a very strange, almost surreal experience. I bumped into a mom that I went to high school with several hours away, and 15 years ago. We didn't really travel in the same circles or anything, I think she hung out with the cheerleader crowd, I hung out with the, well, loser art crowd. Anyway, I bumped into her today and we started talking. Almost immediately I started formulating what I would say if she asked what I did. It never came up as her kids (older) were into things that my toddler wasn't so we didn't get to talk long.

Anyway, here's where I start to feel like I've betrayed us. I was fully prepared, if she asked, to tell her I did my OLD job and that I was just watching Jane for the day. What a jerk! I am so proud of what I do, and would do anything for my daughter, but I think I was ashamed to admit to someone I barely know, haven't seen in 15 years, and probably will never see again, that I stay at home with my daughter. WTF??? Obviously, she was a stay at home mom, so why would that bother me?!?!!?!??!?!

So anyway, guys, I ask you to forgive me for letting us down for something so stupid. I hope you all can and will do better than me when it comes to admitting that you are a real man who takes care of his family. I didn't think this was even a sticking point for me, but clearly it is. I mean, I made the choice to stay home- why wouldn't I admit it? Maybe it's a "prove yourself to your high school thing"- I don't know.

Did I mention it's been 15 years since High School. Dammit, where did all that time go??? I will say, she looked like she'd had two kids and 15 years since I'd seen her.... I don't even have stretch marks from having my kid.


‹ Grateful Dads? Puffed Rice/Wheat Cereals Recalled ›

Submitted by JonMcP on Tue, 04/15/2008 - 7:34pm.

randyfielding
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At the convention...

...you will receive the customary floggings and lashings. ;-)

Seriously, when I am around my high school buddies or run into people I knew in high school, I seem to mentally revert back to those days with all of the old insecurities, emotions, thoughts, etc., welling up within. You probably just got a good dose of that. The good thing is that you realized the switch in your thinking process during the meeting, so you will probably be ready for it the next time it comes around.

Randy
Cincinnati, OH
SAHD to Ryder (2 yrs)

Great spirits have always experienced violent opposition from mediocre minds. - Albert Einstein


Tue, 04/15/2008 - 8:22pm

JonMcP
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Thanks

For the encouragement. I just feel like such a tool for it. At least I looked better!


Tue, 04/15/2008 - 8:29pm

JPhillip
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Don't feel bad.

I have been an AHD long enough, that I am usually comfortable saying what I do. Part of it is that I have said it enough times, that I have found a "cool" and comfortable way of phrasing it so that I don't feel so embarrassed at times. I won't tell you what I say, because you won't get it (you have to be there I think), but I also can't get past making sure people know what I "used to do" for a living prior to being an AHD. Bottom line, it's really really hard to tell someone for the first time, even if you have been an AHD for years. But, it does get a little easier. You just need to put together your "pitch" and always have it at the ready.


Tue, 04/15/2008 - 8:32pm

JonMcP
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interesting...

So, JP, you think it's alright to mention what you used to do before saying you're and AHD? Like, "I left a career in chicken sexing (or whatever) to stay at home with my daughter"? I guess I was interested in what the mom did in the last 15 years besides reproducing now that you mention it. I worked really hard to get to where I was in my career before leaving- I guess it's not bad to acknowledge my prior life.

My daughter had/has a severe case of laryngomalacia that several surgeries couldn't correct, partially why I stayed home. I feel like an ass, though, saying- "I left my awesome chicken sexing job to stay home with my sick child". Mostly because it isn't true- as soon as I saw my daughter's eyes when she was born I knew I couldn't just let some daycare worker take care of her. When I say something about her illness I almost feel like I'm blaming her for me staying home.

I guess I feel like so many guys here are all "I am a man and a father, hear me roar" that I feel kind of bad that sometimes I'm not "super dad" when it comes to confronting the public at large. Thanks for listening while I try to sort it out... I guess I need a blog.


Tue, 04/15/2008 - 8:43pm

AMR
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That's Funny . . .

I have a great friend whose wife stays at home. She once told me that she often introduces herself as a physical therapist who is now a stay-at-home mom. Though I initially found it odd, I guess I understand the need to identify yourself as something other than a parent for fear of how the "outside world" will judge us. It's sad that we, as people, are programmed to give a F* about what other people think, but we just are. Personally, I think it's a bit much to say "I'm a teacher/state bar passing/admissions officer." I'm a mutt.

Frankly, the part of your post that struck me was your "loser art crowd" comment. I was called the "King of the Nerds" by the popular kids. I took that as a compliment. I also was quick to remind them that since there were more nerds than popular kids at my school, we were truly the "popular" ones.

But I digress . . .


Tue, 04/15/2008 - 9:57pm

JPhillip
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AMR & Jon

I think you bring up good points. Everybody has to work this one out on their own. Your past, your child's condition, and who you are talking to at the time, all play a part in your response. I think over time, even our own responses will change. Like I said, I am much more plain and straightforward about it these days.


Tue, 04/15/2008 - 10:20pm

SugarMamasBoy
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Everyone...

will BS from time to time, unless they are void of any insecurities whatsoever, does such a person even exist? If you can find someone who says they do, than I will show you a BS artist.
Besides, you only thought up some BS, and were mindful enough to recognize it, think twice and write about it here. If that person didn't care about you 15 years ago or since, would they care now about whatever you told them? Maybe, who knows, either way, all the more reason to just tell them the truth. We've all thought it or have done it, so we'll let it slide this time Jon and most certainly next time if you need us to.


Tue, 04/15/2008 - 10:31pm

Itux
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same dilemma

Hi Jon

I had the same dilemma some time ago, when I got a email of a woman I hadn't seen since last year of college (1997). My first reaction was almost the same, but the second time I explained her my real situation and how happy we are (I, my wife and my son).

Finally we got to video chat (Thanks God for Skype), we live 6000 miles away, and she show me pictures of her family, (her ex was one of my college buddies), the chat was a little weird, we dated for 2 years and have many friend in common, but I went out of contact for 10 years (out of country, out of continent, out of her life). And now, she is the one who gives me information about my old friends.

Just give time to the time and you'll see.

======================
Congratatio pro erudio et auxilium
Itux


Wed, 04/16/2008 - 1:03am

Itux
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BTW

Btw, I don't need to say I'm a S@HD, I have my wife and son to do so.

======================
Congratatio pro erudio et auxilium
Itux


Wed, 04/16/2008 - 1:06am

paddyrat
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one free pass...

Jon,
Don't beat yourself up too bad, you didn't let any of us down or SAHD in general. I went to my 20 year High School Reunion with the full intention of not backing down from my status as an AHD. When I got there, It was like some sort of time warp pushed us all into roles we fell into way back as teenagers. I started to dismiss my AHD status with several people, but after awhile I realized that these people don't control who I am today and relished in telling everyone I ran into what I do and why I do it. The satisfaction of being honest about being an AHD was way better than pretending to be doing something else. In the end, I received more cheers than jeers (and a few longing stares from single women) and left my reunion feeling pretty good about myself and AHD in general. That was 2 years ago and I've never had any regrets since.

AMR with a brillant observation about high school social cliques -[Frankly, the part of your post that struck me was your "loser art crowd" comment. I was called the "King of the Nerds" by the popular kids. I took that as a compliment. I also was quick to remind them that since there were more nerds than popular kids at my school, we were truly the "popular" ones.]

Most of the "popular" kids at my reunion were either broke, in jail, or fresh outta rehab - How's that working out for ya?

To me, the beauty of doing or being the unexpected in society trumps being or doing the expected...

Aye, there's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased scotsman...


Wed, 04/16/2008 - 6:58am

Mr. Dad
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It's All Good

No worries Jon. I just recently started telling people I am a SAHD (after being a SAHD for almost a year). When asked what I do, I often lead with what I used to do, but now I am a SAHD.

I do still find myself slipping once in a while, and not coming fully clean about being a SAHD. I think it probably happens to many of us.


Wed, 04/16/2008 - 7:38am

JonMcP
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cool

Wow! Look at all these responses.... looks like we are all in the same boat! Thanks for sharing your own stories...


Wed, 04/16/2008 - 7:43am

New No.2
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It’s Boring

Hi Jon,
Everyone worries about other people’s perceptions. My wife is having a great career that has really blossomed over the last 2.5 years. The rub, is that she is content manger and editor for a client website at an ad agency. What’s “wrong” with that? My wife has a degree in drama and used to run her own theater and had a promising career as a theater director. She still feels odd about telling people she is no longer involved with the theater.

It happens to all of us. I don’t always tell people what I do but I would add to all of this, it’s boring to talk about people’s jobs as if it defines who they are. I always dogged the “what do you do” question by asking, “what have you been up to?” That usually gets people talking about more interesting things. I dogged the “what do you do” question because even when I actually did work in the movies people were skeptical that I was telling the truth. I realized later to tell people I worked for a specific company that did film post-production. That was easier for people to handle for whatever reason.

I have yet to find a way to put “I stay home to raise my daughter,” in a way that that doesn’t stop the flow of talking to people.

Be Seeing You.
Jonathan


Wed, 04/16/2008 - 8:25am

dkremers_1965
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Don't Sweat It Jon

Seriously...we've all been there. I proudly tell everyone that I'm a SAHD...until I see those people from High School. I'm very proud of what I do and don't care what people say about me, but when I run into the people from High School all the old feelings come rushing back. I'm not exactly your typical guy when it comes to what I like and don't like. I don't really like sports but love music. I play the piano and sing instead of throwing a football. I don't like to hunt or fish. My car is to get me from a to b and I really don't care what I'm driving as long as it gets me there (ok...I admit it, I care a little bit...no Gremlins for this boy :P ). In high school I also wasn't that interested in dating...sure, I liked girls but didn't really care if I went out on dates or not. I also didn't like beer (still don't) so i wasn't interested in partying. I took a cooking class instead of shop class (alot of guys took this class but also took shop -- I wasn't interested in power tools). If you haven't guessed by now, I was the class "fag" and was constantly called this all through out High School. Because of this I hated my high school years. I was a totally insecure mess by the end of those 4 years. When ever I run into people from then all the anger, hated, and (worse yet) insecurity comes rushing back. I have to admit that I've done the same thing and not admitted that I was a SAHD when talking to one of these asses that I hated from High School. My point is, we all do it sometime. You know we are here to support you and that includes those times you aren't proud of...we almost all have them.

Check out my ramblings on life at http://www.sahdguy.blogspot.com/


Wed, 04/16/2008 - 8:44am

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