I know that sounds weird, since you probably feel like you've been doing all the work here. But you can't leave it too open-ended or the mom will despair at her options. Suggest ONE day ("Hey, do you want to let the girls play this Thursday after school?" Then offer some more structure: "How about taking them to X at 3pm?"

Think about when you ask your wife what she wants for dinner. If you don't offer any firm suggestions, and if your wife is anything like mine, you'll just get back "Oh, I dunno. I can't decide. You pick something." Then, if you do pick something and spring it on her it's "Hm. I didn't realize that I didn't want chicken." But if you suggest chicken in the first place as one of two options, or even as the only option, that will be perfectly fine with her.

Strategery.

http://backpackingdad.blogspot.com

But here's what I have done in preschool: my kids show interest in certain other kids, so I have my wife call the other mothers and explain that I am not a drunken perv who can't get a job, but that I chose this life. (Auuuggghhh! Crazy!) And then my wife asks about the kids meeting at some neutral park for an impromptu picnic after preschool on a certain day with that mom and just me.

After the mother talks with me at the park and sees that I actually give a d#$% about my kids and that I am, at least, sober and not making passes at her, she generally lightens up. I also try to keep a couple of feet of distance between us, just to make clear that I am there for the kids and not for her.

One mother -- whom I now consider a good friend -- has an extremely shy girl (Jane) whom my daughter is friends with. She can't leave her mom's presence mostly. Nowadays, the mother comes over to my house with Jane after school, has lunch, and then quietly disappears for a couple of hours. When Jane realizes that mommy is gone and asks, I nonchalantly tell her "Your mom had to run to the store and will be back in a bit," and then I go back to dishes or laundry or whatever. Every time (except once) she goes back to playing with my daughter. This is good for another hour of playing, generally.

What I am trying to say is that, in both stories, I guess I put the presumptions back on the presumers (sic?). In the first, the fearful mothers are initially trapped by the pleasantness of my wife into considering the notion of associating with a leprous SAHD. Additionally, by making plans through my wife, they have a pretty good idea that I am not going to make a pass.

In the second, Jane really needs to exercise her social skills, even though she doesn't want to (ironically, her little sister is a bull in a china shop - but charming, nonetheless). So Jane can sit and cry, or she can make the best of it. Lucky for me, she has wanted to make the best of it each time, except once.

Finally, when it comes to playdates at our house, I tell the other parents that they are "more than welcome!" to come over with their kids or pop in whenever they want. I too have felt the sting of the "alone with a man" fear. But I have them play out back, or I keep the front door open when I am close by so that it all appears as it is: fun and innocent.

I also keep a very close watch on the front door to make sure that, when they come by, I answer the door within about fifteen seconds.

I know that, after leaving, some mommies have probably grilled their kids about what I did... and this is why I try to be so inviting to the moms. They don't realize that I maintain the same suspicions about them and their relatives. Sometimes I make this subtly clear, though, with comments about "people you just don't know." etc. (Some are even shocked that I would presume something like that! Hmmm...)

I don't know if any of this will help you or cause more problems. Hopefully the former. My own kids are not shy at all, and that carries its own set of problems. But hopefully some tidbit here will help you out.

Maybe someone on here or another dad's site said it best: let them make the first move. It sucks, but the unfortunate byproduct of being a SAHD is that you have to let the mom make the offer for a playdate. If you make the offer, it can be misinterpreted, subject to spousal mistrust, yadda yadda. In an ideal world this type of subterfuge wouldn't be necessary, but there are too many stories about SAHDs being burned by moms/mom groups due to the aforementioned issues.

If it makes you feel any better, my wife goes through the same sorts of issues when trying to make playdates with her mom friends. Things come up; kids get sick; schedules get messed up. It may not be solely a gender issue but just the normal chaos of parenthood. Maybe us guys are just better at planning!

Well, I guess I must've sounded neurotic or pathetic or something like that since "It's a shame, sfoster, that (I) have to go through all (I) do to make the moms feel OK that their daughters are playing at (my) house," dbrigham.

In actuality, I don't have to "go through" much at all. My process is a very simple one that I guess I overexplained. Oops. Unfortunately my personality is such that I think these sorts of things through very thoroughly, looking at all the pros and cons. I tried to limit my response to a few potentially helpful tidbits for shy four-year-old girls. I just wanted to help readers get from A to B and, in doing so, I guess I put in too much detail and made myself look a little mental-process-heavy or neurotic or whatever it is that made you pity me with that comment.

Mike asked a question and I answered with my take-it-or-leave-it two cents worth.

As for my "drunken perv who can't get a job, but that I chose this life" comment, I was condensing three vague presumptions that I have heard about SAHDs, on occasions, into one sentence (inebriated/mentally twisted/unemployable) as a semi-snide remark. I reinforced this notion -- I thought -- with the followup "(Auuuggghhh! Crazy!)" comment which I hoped that readers would not take seriously. My bad.

I will heretofore defer to previous requests to make my sarcasm much more unquestionably sarcastic with a phrase like "I am being snide or sarcastic."

And since you somehow know that I haven't done so in the past, I will also take your sage advice: "sometimes you find cool moms who trust you, and you gotta make the most of those situations and not get too hung up on those who aren't.... cool."

Snarky comment withdrawn. Thanks for the check.

Thank you for the advice, and also for putting the snarkiness (or lack thereof) to rest quickly....

Recently I decided to stop careing, to stop trying to fit in and make friends. It was liberating. I still do all the social things with my daughter at the library and I make a play date or two. (It seems my daughter is developing into a loner.) But as soon as I stopped my play group stopped trying to go to all the story times and kinda resigned myself to my position in life, wham, "where have you been?" "Why did you cancel your playgroup?" Everyone wanted to know where I was and what was up. Emerson and I were even invited to our first birthday party.

I struggled for a long time with the isolation and lack of friends. I still do but it was something to simply say. "eh...screw it."

If you have bad weather on a schedualed playgroup day you can always offer to host. That's how I got started and many of the other parents in my hood got to know me.

Be Seeing You.

I worked hard in these parts. :-) I simply stopped worrying about it and people started to react differently.

Be Seeing You.