It is a cliche, but talk to her. Tell her you need sex so much times a day, week, month, WHATEVER. Women understand our sex drive about as much as we understand theirs. I bet if you asked her when the last time you guys did the deed she would say, "Oh, it was like just a couple of days ago," when it was more like 4 months ago. It oftentimes is not one of the top 5 things on their mind.

My wife and I have had this conversation numerous times and I have told her that I need it about 2-3 times a week. It doesn't happen that often, BELIEVE ME, but she does try. The longer we go without, the more arguments creep up, the crabbier we get at each other and the kids and everyone seems to be unhappy.

I wish I understood what it is with women and their sex drive. We men are on ALL THE TIME and they seem almost surprised to find out they are in the mood. It's one of God's great mysteries.

But this I do know, intimacy is healthy and important for a marriage to last. If she wants to stay married to you (and DON"T SAY THIS TO HER) she needs to do ya ... and often!

Al

14th Annual At Home Dad Convention www.athomedadconvention.com

I know your problem all to well myself.  It actually started when we finally got my wife pregnant with the help from the fertility specialist.  The wife still has basically no sex drive and she states that she needs some cuddling or what have you.  We have attempted to talk about it however, when push comes to shove it just seems that with my wife that she really could care less about whether or not we ever have sex again.  There has definitely been a loss of enjoyable intimate connection.  My wife has also stated to me that to have sex with me is as bad as having a job.  Talk about a mood annihilation and destruction of a man's ego, self-esteem and self-worth.  Still not recovered from that one that is for sure.  I would echo what Al states in regards to attempting to talk with your wife however, that may not get the resolution that you would like and it make take several attempts at discussing this very sensative topic.  Best of luck to you.

"...to have sex with me is as bad as having a job."

OUCH DUDE!

You can't be that bad. Even a blind squirel finds a nut once in awhile so it can't be that.

I keep thinking about this thread and what I would do if talking to my wife about it didn't work. I mean, if she doesn't want to do it much, that's a relationship killer. I think the average for a married couple is like once a week and if she can't get excited at least once a month about you, that is a problem. Also, think about her. How miserable can she be not wanting your hot lovin' at least once in awhile?

I think I'd have to insist on therapy. If your wife can't stand to be with you, the relationship is in trouble. And if she doesn't think so, she is wrong.

Al

14th Annual At-Home Dad's Convention

www.athomedadconvention.com

  My wife and I have been married for 6 years and we have a 5 year old son. About 2 and a half years ago she told me that she just can't be intimate with me anymore. It just isn't in her to be intimate any longer. I am confused that she won't give it up to me, yet she will not discuss it either.  She is worried that I will seek it outside the home, which I have and will not do. On the other side of the coin she doesn't even like me to see her nude any longer. It is not from my lack of trying, I shave every other day, though it breaks me out from where I was burned in a fire. I quit smoking, at her insistance that the smell turned her off. I have read the books she suggested for her "Rare disorder" as the books called it. I know she loves me, but she cannot tell me or show me. I am at my wits end, as it has been almost three years since I have had any sexual contact. Any advice for that one? By the way, she is seeing a therapist, but wont follow her advice or counsel. I don't want to cheat, but I am starting to feel I have no recourse. please help if you can...

It could be a medical issue.  After birth some women develop a prolactinoma (a non-serious tumor/growth on the brain).  It helps stimulate milk production and as a consequence it supresses sex drive.  Even if she doesn't have the prolactinoma, if she is breastfeeding, it works the same way.  So it could be that.  

It isn't in her any longer to be intimate with you and she's worried you'll seek it outside of the home?

DUH!

First off, I believe that you ask yourself "If we can never have sex again, would I still want to be with this person," BEFORE you get married.

HOWEVER, I don't think that means that you should just do without. If there is some medical or psychological problems, I say, work through it. But if she doesn't want to try and doesn't care, that would be a deal-breaker for me.

Al

14th Annual At Home Dad Convention www.athomedadconvention.com

I'm sorry to see it, but at least I'm not alone. I myself just turned 23, and my wife is 23 as well. We have 2 children, a 2yr. old, and a 1 yr. old. We have been married for three years this past April. I love my wife to death, and have since I met her but this is really starting to hurt me. In the beginning sex was great. I barely had to coax her and we would be on our way. Then it gradually died out, coming and going in spurts. For a while I thought that she may just be doing it so that I don't go outside the relationship but she seemed so enthusiatic at times that I pushed that thought to the back of my mind. Then one day as we cleaned up out came the words "I don't know why I don't like having sex with you." No matter how much she tried to clean that up I knew what she ment. And that was before we even had our boys. It's been a rollercoaster since. Last year she seemed to really want it for a small period of time, but honestly it was only because she thought I was talking to another girl in an almost sexual way. It wasn't like that, but once I noticed that this seemed to make her want me more I just kept pusing it on. I wasn't actualy talking to anybody. At least not like that. I would recieve normal text messages from friends, but be secrative about them, and that worked for a little while. Then things got a little to rough and that stop really quick. But I tthought we had patched things up. We moved into a better place, I showed her I loved her as much as I could show. And now this...

At the beginning of the year she shipped out for basic training for the National Guard. I encouraged this and couldn't be more proud of her. But the thing is, it's been 5 months since we have even seen each other. I drove 700 miles with my mother in law and 2 babies to watch her graduate and she didn't even see happy to see me only our boys and her mother. And now that we are back home, yeah we have had sex once, and I brought it on, but she still just doesn't seem to want me. One thing that kills me is that she krept away after her graduation to say goodbye to the others in her unite. The hugs those guys recieved were more intimate then when we have sex (but I haen't said anything to her about it). I have been trying really hard to help her here at home, and have tried to be romantic with her. Last night I literally kissed her all over her body, which lead to oral for her, and when it was all said and done she just went to sleep. And tonight was the same, I kissed on her neck, and rubbed her body but she just wanted nothing to do with me. Earlier she told me that she thought we shouldn't have sex at all because we both did fine with out it, I DO NOT!!!! I love her more then anything but I am 23 yrs. old and not terrible looking. I really don't want to spend the rest of my life in a plutonic relationship with my own wife. Part of me feels that she is only with me now because of our children, and that this is all because 1.) She wants someone else 2.) she trying to push me into leaving so that she doesn't have to. This is breaking my heart and I really can't take much more.

The question to Annon is? Are your concerns for you or her? It is possible that a medical condition exists it is also possible that you are pressuring her to much. (don’t worry I can see your jaw drop from here) My experience has been that no matter what women say they want about talking and communication they don’t really want that. They want to be open on some issues but not others. Sex is one of them. I’m simpatico with my wife of 5 years and it isn’t what it was but when it is it’s till great. I’m not bragging (or complaining) but saying that in my past with women talking about sex made them feel inadequate or inexperienced. In my experience they took talking about sex to be “about me” not “us, “or them.” It’s a no win situation – and it sucks.

Chris Rock has his bit about, “you can fu@k a woman with a diamond dick and make her come 10 times and she would still have something to complain about. ‘why you got to make me come so hard’ this diamond dick is cloudy you cheap motherfu*ker,”

The more I tried to have “romantic nights” or to relax and all that crap the farther apart we drifted. Oddly enough my first serious girlfriend had body issues and left me after 6 years because she told me all I wanted was sex. This odd because she lived in NH and I live in NYC. Also there were other men who wanted to break off a piece of that red headed Irish ass who after they got it dumped her. Took all of that for her to realize, “Wow, he really did love me.” Curiosity does indeed kill the cat/relationship.

Sex is like eating, it one’s body and it’s the only thing we ALL have control over. One must always consider that when it comes to anything physical let along sexuality with its shared physicality. People, men and women, stop eating, and stop screwing for control. Why? I wish I had an answer for y’all.

According to my wife many of your wives should see a doctor. There may not be anything physically wrong but it’s a good place to start. However, the old adage is you can lead a horse to water….well…sometimes you can’t even do that. Seeing a doctor is an admission that something is wrong and with being a Mom and a wife that may be too much. I know lots of people are reluctant to see a shrink or take drugs but that should always be secondary to wanting to make a relationship work. My friend’s wife is from a No Therapy family and she can make his life a hell over simple issues, and they rarely have sex and he complains that he doesn’t want to. I know I wouldn’t want to with someone on me about trivia all the time, but I demur.

Intimacy changes over time and if one is emotionally fulfilled then the sex can wait until it’s right. Another old saying is, “If the sex is great it’s 10% of a relationship. If it’s bad it’s 90%.” And guys, let’s face it marriage changes everything, we all got married (or have long term relationships) and had kids to make our lives better. If we want that then it’s possible to find a way. But if one party doesn’t want to continue on a given path then well, even with kids and a ring, it’s over.

To beginningtoscar: I’m very sorry to hear about your situation. My heart goes out to you. Women who marry young and have kids are more likely to cheat and more likely to want to end the marriage. While not in your shoes my above mentioned girlfriend was my experience with that scenario. I think it’s a myth that women want commitment and men do not. The men on this page are all committed. Women want commitment from the man who doesn’t want them. (at least according to Dan Savage and my wife.) As much as it blows beginningtoscar you may want to see a lawyer. Again I’m sorry to hear that you are son conflicted and in so much pain.

Be Seeing You.

Jonathan

My suggestion for anyone in this situation is to seek counseling even if you have to go by yourself.

One of the things that's helped in my relationship is making sure that resentment doesn't build. If something is bothering me, I make sure to get it out in the open rather than holding it in and my wife tries to do the same.  It's counterintuitive, but when I bring something up, she says she feels closer to me which leads to more intimacy. It's the same for me as long as it's brought up respectfully such as, "I feel ..... when..... and I want ....." rather than "you .........". And when we feel closer, our sex life is better.

Athough, intimacy does change over time, it shouldn't stop altogeter. If it does, I think it's a good idea to do something like go to counseling and/or work on how to communicate rather than just hoping things will get better or giving up altogether.

I hope some of this helps and I'm sorry you guys have to go through this.

Good Luck, Tim

It's really a problem, because if you even try to pressure her, she'll resent it and withdraw even further. If you ignore it, you'll probably get more (or less) of the same...My advice would be to have some quiet, down time with her...no kids around...and ideally out to dinner or some fairly nice and maybe even romantic place.  Lead in with some talk about how you've been feeling lately.  Not even about the sex but just whatever is on your mind...Just share with her and it will create somereceptivity from her and she will, likely, appreciate  your openness...Then ask her about herself...What's been going on for her, what's the good she's been experienceing in her and your life and also any bad. 

What this will do is that it will "soften things up" a bit.  That may be what you  two need and, especially, what she may need.  And it may not produce results overnight.  It may take a few of these type of "session," and it also may slowly turn things around (no pun intended) in the bedroom.

I'm sure, with what you've said, she's well aware that you are missing sex with her, so to continue to make a big issue of it will make her feel more guilty and will, perhaps, lead her further from where you're trying to have her go with you.

The old saying, "If you keep doing what you're doing, you're going to keep getting what you're getting," applies here.

Maybe she's bored with your relationship.  Maybe she's bored with you.  Maybe she's bored with her life.  Maybe she has a medical problem, and maybe int's noe of these things.  But the bottomline is that if you can create a loving relationship with her -- Remember women are "different" from us guys, and sometimes they need things that are all about "emotion," whereas we can make close personal friends with a stiff breeze ;-)   .... Well, they're just different.

You can also ask her, when you're in bed with her, maybe after a glass of wine or two or whatever it is that she'll enjoy and loosen her up, and just ask her, "What turns you on?"  She might surprise you and give you an answer that you will fulfill asap.  If you get that far, you're very likely to get even further.

If that works, make it a practice...And then ask her for something else that she gets turn on about.   Keep doing  what she likes, and then keep asking.  If that works, your  problem may end up being  that  you just want some sleep.  Happens to me all the time.

Good luck!

Coach Mike

I can only give my perspective on things, don’t know if it will help, and I can’t speak for your wife but maybe it might be a bit of comfort for you to read a possibility from the other side.

I love my husband more than I could express, I would do anything to bring back the fire in bed, if I only knew how. It makes my heart ache to think that he doesn’t know how attractive I truly think he is, his kindness and humor only make me love him more. I will say that it helps him to get ‘some’ if I think about it a lot at least a couple of hours prior. I also know that dressing up for the occasion or a steamy love scene in a movie might get me kick started. Most of the time I just have to think to myself of how much I love him and although I’m not in the mood, I just kinda let him go ahead anyhow and most of the time find it to be a good time. But to be honest, I’d prefer to simply take a nap while cuddling. Just giving me space doesn’t seem to help, although when my husband went away on business for a whole week he got a nice reception when he came home.

I’m 9 years older than my husband, although married for the first time, I was with an ex fiancée for 6 years and I’ve seen an unfortunate pattern in myself over the course of my love life. My ex fiancée found that giving me space did not help, he confessed that his method of getting me in the mood would to start rubbing on me in the wrong places- on purpose because I wouldn’t even bother pushing him out of the way and eventually I would warm up to it. As much as I wanted to believe that it was problems specific to him, I’m finding that my husband is complaining now too.

It seems that the beginning of every one of my relationships everything is grand and then after 3 months into the relationship, all of a sudden, I loose 99% of my libido. I don’t fully understand it. I came across your post while Googling possible reasons of what may be wrong with me. As of right now I’ve only found that there is no specific time frame that is agreed upon as a libido being too far on either side of the frequent/frigid spectrum, whatever is natural is what it is and the trick is to find yourself someone who is compatible with that. I did read before that an anti-depressant medicine (I think it was Wellbutrin) has been sometimes known to help (but don’t quote me on that because most anti-depression medications actually tend to have a negative effect on a woman’s libido).

My mother complains that she has to attack my dad too (T.M.I. MOM!) and I’m a lot like my dad, so I suppose it’s just how I’m wired. Could be self esteem issues developed from early teen years and guys I dated who exploited my sexuality at that young age. Who knows? I have tried convincing both my husband and myself that it is every excuse under the sun but deep down I want a real answer (hence my Googling). Therapy is next on my agenda.

In short: don’t give up on her yet. Try to get her to open up to you about what she wants and perhaps ways that you two can make things work (be it counseling/medication/a compromise to once every 2 weeks on a date night) start the ball rolling with a valid try from both of you. With my ex, it wasn’t a good sign for him but I think I was with him for so long because even though I gave up, he didn’t for a long time. I love my husband too much to let my marriage fail which is why I’m searching every avenue I can find because I don’t want him to give up on me.

Hope you are still reading this post and looking for more insight on your sex issue with the wife.

Women have sex to get married and men get married to have sex.

I feel that women really don’t and have shown little desire to understand how important sex is for men and the marriage.  Nevertheless, I took it upon myself to help Tina understand my point of view. 

Here is a conversation I had with Tina.  It’s a story I’ve presented in lectures to mom’s groups.

Tina:  “I spend a lot of time breastfeeding Grant and holding him.  So at the end of the day I don’t want to be touched anymore.”

Me:  “I never thought of that.  I’ll be more considerate and help more with caring for Grant.”

“I also have to deal with PMS.  And it’s also not easy walking around with these things (pointing to her bodacious tatas) all day.” 

 “Okay, I get and understand both points and realize sometimes you don’t have control over your emotions.  But I have similar issues.”

 “Yeah, right.”  With a puzzled look.

“While you suffer from PMS, I suffer from  MSB.”

“What the heck is MSB?”  With chuckle and confused look.

“Multiple Sperm Backup.  I get all tense and crazy if I don’t release some of my semen and sperm.  And I hate doing it by myself.”

“Your not serious are you?”

“Yes.  And just like I can’t relate to what it's like walking with boobs around all day, you can’t relate to what it’s like walking with this thing (IT) all day.  IT has a mind of it’s own and no brain.  IT has erections two to three times a day that I have no control of.  There are many times that I wish I could unscrew IT, hang IT on the wall and not deal with IT. “

“I’m sorry.  I never thought having a penis would be an emotional struggle for a guy”

“Sex is also a stress reliever and my way of showing how much I love you.  The physical contact with you is also important to me.  And having sex with YOU is a way for me to escape  all the bullshit I have to deal with in life.  Every NO I hear from you makes me feel like less of a man.” 

“But having sex with you takes so much work and a lot of times I’m just too tired.”

“Too tired to work on keeping our romance and marriage alive?  How would you feel if I told you I’m too tired to work on keeping our marriage and started having sex with other women?”

“I wouldn’t like that.” 

“Well let’s work on a game plan to satisfy both our needs.” 

Communication has been key for Tina and me in all aspects of our marriage.   But that doesn’t mean we still don’t struggle to deal with marital issues. 

Like Al, I told Tina how often I would like to have ……I mean NEED sex.   And Tina has worked hard to accommodate me. 

I also think that one of the major struggles women have with sex is that they put the child’s needs ahead of the husband’s needs.  I had to convince Tina that our marriage, not the kids or household chores should come first.  (She spent so much time caring for Grant and house that she was too tired to be playful with me.  Likewise there are a lot of workaholic men who put work and children first.) 

I’ll use the Airplane Oxygen Mask Analogy to show why I feel this way.

On the airplane, the flight attendant shows you how to put on an oxygen mask in case of an emergency.  Then they tell you what to do if you kid is with you:  first put your mask on, then put the kid’s mask on.  That’s because you can only help your kid if you’re alive!  I think this applies to my marriage – first we build a strong foundation, and from there we raise our kids.

The marriage is the oxygen that keeps the family alive.  Without a strong husband/wife relationship the kids suffer.   And sex is part of keeping that relationship strong. 

I hope that you and your wife will be able to resolve the sex issue.  Good luck and let us know how this situation works out.    

Hey, there...I'm not sure this will help you a lot, but I think it might be very helpful for your wife.
I'm female--older than your wife--but have been married for 25 years now and was in counseling for a period of time, during which I learned something VERY valuable: that men feel appreciated through sex. I never, ever realized that before, and now, when I'm exhausted and want nothing more than to crash at the ned of a long day and my hubby wants a little play time, I think of all the things he does that I really appreciate (the same things YOU do, like helping with the kids and around the house and making things easier for your wife) and I remind myself that the very best thing I can do right then is to show him how much I appreciate him by going into that play time with all the love I have for him. It was a HUGE revelation to me--that men feel appreciated through sex, and I feel as though I really *get* what that means...because no matter how tired I am, or maybe not in the mood, I really DO love him and I truly DO appreciate all he does.

Anyway...you sound like a great guy, and I hope things work out for you. Hang in there--you two will work it out.

I have seen these types of posts often.  I have commented often, because I have suffered through this issue as well.  I will reiterate what I have said before.  After the first child...  sex was still good and consistent.  Then after the 2nd it pretty much stopped.  Was she tired!  Was she no longer attracted to me?  Even worse...  was there someone else?  I confronted her after our second child was about 6 months, then again 10 months, then again just over a year, cause things were not getting better.  Each time she was totally shocked!  I asked her how often she thought we had sex.  She said twice a week...  Egads!  I informed her it was like 3 times a month.  She was shocked!  Couldn't believe it, and told me she "no wonder I am going crazy over this".  This was reassuring, but would things change?  How does she think we are having sex twice a week, when it was less than once a week.  My mind raced...  was she having an affair and was confused?  Is she really that unsure?  

Anyway, her reason for less sex was she felt unsexy after the second.  Also there was some discomfort that took almost 2 years to pass.  

Hope...  there is some.  We are back to "normal" sex.  Which for me is 4-6 times a month at a minimum.  More would be better, but beggers can't be choosers.  

I have heard some women  can take years to recover sexually after giving birth.  All I can say is keep the communication open and try to show her how much you love her.  Things can change.  I have read all the posts, and in many cases it seems you have a different issue, or should I say she has different issues.  I wish you all the best.  Marriage without intimacy is not marriage...  for me anyway.

I stumbled across this site and already like it.  I've found I'm not alone.   What a great sounding board with others in common.

We're married 40yrs and have known eachother for 45.  Three years after we got married, the sex declined to almost nothing.  I begged, pleaded, asked why, bought flowers, jewelry, a home, cars... you name it to find out what happened.. The only reply I ever got was that nothing was wrong.. Everything is fine.. but little or no sex... Then, when she wanted kids, there were no limits.. I worked just up the street from the house and could sneak home for quickies.. After the kids came,, again,, very little sex was the agenda.

So, over the years, I remained faithful and just shouldered the frustration and at times "rage" over not being able to get intimate.  I bought cars, trucks and motorcycles for myself.. Flew airplanes to sooth the hurt and dissappointment.. 

Countless times I asked if I hurt her in any way, or didn't provide enough and the replies from her were always that she was happy and everything is fine.. I've felt lost for 37+ years and no where to turn.. Hope maybe some of you guys can shed some light on things. 

At this point, we are alone.. The kids are grown and moved away.  She has worked nights for over 30 years and I work days.. We really don't see much of eachother.. There has been absolutely no sex or intimacy of any kind for years and years now.. She went thru the change and I barley knew it.. I've never been with another woman since marriage and feel trapped because my religion forbids divorce.. Not only that, but the state would give everything I've worked hard for to her and leave me with nothing..

Any of you have any advice,, guidance,, suggestions I can dwell on?

Thanks;  Goldwinger

Wow, what a great thread.  I figured I would jump in as well.  I don't know that I have any useful information.  But I can relate my story as well.

My wife and I have been married 16 years.  We married young (I was 21 and she was 23), but we waited 10 years before having kids.

The early years were pretty good.  My wife has never had a super strong libido, and it has also been hampered by antidepressants (a worthwhile sacrifice as they do help her a lot).

But especially in the last couple of years things have fallen off drastically.  I will be lucky to get "lucky" once a month on average.  Some months are slightly better.  But the problem isn't even just sex.  When it does happen it usually feels like she realized I had reached the allotted waiting period, or I was getting cranky enough she decided  I needed the release.  This situation has caused me to feel frankly more frusterated after sex.

I do everything I can in our marriage to make my wife happy and as easy as possible.  I am a small business owner and work from home.  So on average I wake up with the kids (3 and 6) 2-4 days a week and let her sleep in until 10-11am.  I juggle my work and feeding the kids during this time.  I also do the dishes/kitchen, cook meals and help clean up the house.

I know my wife is happy.  Mostly I am pretty sure it is just that she has no drive.  She doesn't even think about it much.  We have had times where we would have a night were we planned on sex.  We'd have a nice dinner, watch a movie after the kids got to bed.  And then later in bed I would make some moves and she would be surprised and actually state "oh yea I forgot"

Very infrequently, I would say 1-2 times a year she gets some sort of hormone jolt and attacks me.  But otherwise it is pretty dead.

We do cuddle plenty in bed.  I have made a concerted effort to not push for sex, as I know in the past she would feel like any intimacy would lead to it, and therefore she would withdraw further.  But while it doesn't always have to go somewhere, sometimes it does.

Anyhow, I could go on and on, but bottom line is I feel for you all.  It is a struggle I am trying to figure out as well.

-D

Once again I am searching the internet for the 'solution' to my complete lack of libido. I came across this forum, and I hear my husband in all of the men. He is a wonderful man, and I am so lucky to have him.

I am posting to tell the men how we feel. I mean, women like me, 42, no sex drive AT ALL.

Used to be highly sexed. Sex drive was higher than my husband's. Don't want to blame it on the kids, we have four, but somewhere along the line i have simply changed. I don't feel sexy or sexual anymore. The idea of sex feels "silly" to me. Like I am 11 and don't get what all the fuss is about. I dread it even.

When I was younger I would hear the jokes about the woman on the bottom thinking about her shopping list, and for the life of me I thought that type of woman must be a weird exception. Now I understand the joke.

I know I have to make love to my husband. I have to force myself to, though. I don't want to. Part of me resents that. It is my body after all. I would be just as happy-happier-just hugging.

But I know our marriage won't survive without making love. He gets angry, irritable, grumpy. Understandably so. So, sex or oral sex once a week is my goal from now on because it is the least I can do for him. I'll just act like I am really into it.

Anyway, based on my own situation-it is not you. It is us!

Man, it's interesting to see some female perspectives here and even though my partner and I are a bit younger (mid 20's), we have two kids and are about to get married next year.

However I'm echoing the exact same problems as every other male and have tried pretty much exactly what you guys have.

When we started out, our sex life was on fire. We'd literally spend an entire day in bed on the weekends. Then along came number one and the sex went away, I tried to explain that it was important to our relationship, and now that we had a child I wasn't about to walk out, but nothing I could say or do would improve anything.

So then she decided a sibling for #1 would be a good idea. All of a sudden some switch in her flipped and she was trying to jump my bones every second again. I said that it was unfair for her to change, just for the sake of procreation, but of course like a male I went along with it, and the nights where I was literally tired or didn't want to.. SHE'D GET MAD AT ME, saying how all along I was right and how important sex is to the marriage.

So we fell with #2... then it stopped.. again, completely. Now I just feel frustrated and used. I feel like I'm trapped. I'm resentful so much that I feel like I'm about to burst into tears just writing this. I've done everything you have.

She's a stay at home mum who from what I can tell spends a lot of time shopping and watching TV while I'm at work, when I come home, I bath the kids, I iron my own cloths. I help out as much as I can as she says she's tired all the time. She has an eating disorder (self image?!) so I suggest everything, counseling, vitamin supplements, but she's so stubborn she won't hear a bar of it.

She believes the problem is me.

I've got some news here. The f*cking problem isn't me!!! I'm the same as I've been through the whole relationship, she's the one that's changed.

Talk to her about it. She just says there nothing wrong. That all relationships cool off. So what about all the talk when she was trying to get pregnant... "No answer" .. "I don't want to talk about this now.

Man... I she won't let me communicate my feelings, and wont acknowledge them, wtf am I supposed to do.

Gents (and ladies), I hear you.

I have a job that allows me 3/12 schedule.  I am home 4-5 days a week sometimes.  I am like many of you; married 13 years, 2 kids, wife with no sex drive.

Her idea of foreplay (on the rare occassion of sex) is something like, "I just took a shower, come and get it." or "OK, you can have sex with me, but I don't want to do any of the work" (her favorite for at least 5 years), or "Hurry up, I need to get to sleep." or "God, I'm so f#@$^ing tired, let's get this over with."  SOUND FAMILIAR?

Yes, she does work part-time when I have off-days.  Yes, she is home with the kids.  But with 4 days off a week, so am I.  Yes, she pays the bills, schedules the playdates, drives the kids around, schedules therapy, makes dinners, buys groceries, gains weight, eats food that she hides in our room, sleeps more with the kids than with me, gives the cats more affection than her husband, plans BBQs and parties, and so many other things.

Yes, we have a child under 7 with special needs.  Yes, we have a 4 year old who is gifted and very athletic and outgoing.  YES, my wife has been on Zoloft and Wellbutrin and birth control pills and the occassional Zanax for breakthrough panic attacks and post-partum depression.

Yes I am getting a vasectomy.  Are you kidding?  With our sexual frequency I don't really need to worry about getting her pregnant ever again, but I'm gonna go do it anyway.

But sex is not on the calendar...ever.  She schedules everything but that.

No, scratch that.  I realized about a year and a half ago that she schedules that, too.  Want to know when?  I check to make sure she takes her pills because she sometimes forgets.  She manages to find the need to have sex exactly 1 - 2 days before Aunt Flo comes for a visit.  That's right!  Just before she has to ride the cotton pony, she figures "Probably better give him some so he doesn't friggin' kill everyone in the house out of lack of sex."  Good thinking there genius.

I feel for you guys out there.  I don't want to cheat on my wife.  But as I told my brother, "Who does she want me to have sex with?  Cause it ain't her."  My poor brother is never getting married because he listens to my stuff about my marriage and then gets frightened.  I told him to stay single. 

Currently I am two days away from my 28-day vacation being completed.  28 days.  I'm a city employee with time on the job.  I told one of my close coworkers that I would give her these 28 days to see if she ever initiates sex.  I would try to be as nice and civil as I could, buy flowers once in a while like I usually do, take care of the kids, do housework, have a few BBQs, etc, etc, etc.

Guess what?  26 days and counting.  NO SEX.  Not the first time I have tried this experiment and not the last.  I'm fucking DONE.  Next time she wants to have sex I am going to refuse.  We need to talk.  I am tired of this shit.  I really do love her but we are roommates.  I guess the problem might be on me a bit.  I do forget things sometimes, I know that can frustrate her, and sometimes I work alot of hours.  But I don't go out drinking.  I don't do drugs.  I don't really go out with some expensive hobby.  I don't have outside interests.  I don't play golf or race motorcycles or run or fish or camp or hike or fly or sing or volunteer.  I spend time at home with family doing what they want or need.

And I can't even get a decent BJ.  In 13 years, she has never finished the job.

She is really overweight and I know that bothers her.  But I still love her.  She is my girl.  She is the mother of my children.  I love her.

One time recently she was changing clothes to go to work.  She has always been well-endowed even when she was thin.  I was watching her admiringly and she said, "Don't look at me like that while I'm changing." to which I said, "Honey, this is the one guy you should want to still be looking at you.  I'm the guy you want to stare at you thinking you got a hot rack."  She sort of didn't get it.

For you ladies who read this, get help if you need it.  And talk to your man.  I consider myself super-faithful.  My wife and I both came from divorced parents and work our asses off to make it work.  But she sleeps 12-14 hours a day and then complains that I ask for sex when she is tired or wants to go to bed.  Well, shit, girl, when you sleep over HALF THE FUCKING DAY, WHEN ARE WE SUPPOSED TO HAVE SEX?  Ladies, you work so hard at making your kids happy, your boss happy, the teachers happy, your friends happy, yourself happy, and then get blindsided by your husband saying he is leaving you.

The old excuse of "You are just one more person who wants to touch me or wants a piece of me and my time" doesn't cut it anymore.  Did it ever occur to some of you ladies out there that we husbands feel the same way.  When every day for a guy is "drop off Timmy on your way to work, can you come home early for soccer practice?, why don't you make more money?, why aren't you home more?, can you coach baseball this year like the other dads?, why don't you ever call the sitter so we can have a date?, did you get the car fixed?, can you fix the sink?, can you cut the grass today-my girlfriends are coming over?, did you pick up Timmy?, where's Joey's soccer jersey?, where are my keys?, did you clean the litterbox?, blah-blah-blah"

 Men, here is how it works

1.) She doesn't have sex with you. Talk to her. She cries and bullshits around and throws up smokescreen, hit her with the marriage counseling.

2.) Go to the counselor together and fucking let her have it.  But go prepared, because they (women) always do.  If you have been married 45 years, she'll come up with some obscure time in year 2 that you stole a glance at her sister's tight ass in shorts at a family BBQ.  Make sure you have cogent, logical arguments, even though that means nothing to a woman, since they argue with emotions instead of reason.

3.) Get a friggin' hobby.  I still haven't found one cheap enough or easy enough to do, so I am about to take up hiking.  Even if that means wearing a backpack and hiking around the city.  Just start treating that hobby like it's some hot 18 year old that you want to have sex with and you will be on your way to happiness.

4.) If it is totally hopeless because she won't listen, won't change, you won't change, you have kids, you can't afford a divorce, you are too fat, too ugly or too set in your ways...then accept the fact that you will not have sex anymore.  Too often we get caught up in our perception or how things OUGHT to be and not how THINGS ARE.  My therapist once told me that the fact that I wanted sex and my wife didn't was MY problem.  I said "WHAT?!?!?!?"  She said, think about it.  You want sex.  Problem is, your wife doesn't want sex.  That is your problem and it bothers YOU...but it doesn't bother her a bit not having sex with you.  HAHAHA and she's right.  Give it up.

4.) Ask your wife - STRAIGHT UP - who she expects you to have sex with if it is not going to be her.  If she says no one and that she expects you to be faithful, then buddy, get some good porn.

Good luck to all of you and to me.  I didn't know that marriage was the end of sex and the beginning of a life sentence.

Perhaps you should try being a Civil War Re-enactor: away for 2-3 days and you get to shoot at people (with blanks of course!).

Oh, and my favorite advice on this subject comes from Hogan: we are spouses first; parents second. If the marriage ain't workin' (no matter what the reason) you can't parent effectively.

Al 14th Annual At Home Dad Convention www.athomedadconvention.com

I've read several of the stories.  Mine is along the same lines, only I am wondering if there ever was any real passion and intimacy there.  I believe my situation defines the "sexless marriage."  We haven't been intimate in over a year, and only a few times in the past 4-5.  Honestly, we haven't been intimate hardly at all the entire marriage. 

Been married for 9 years, 2 children, career success, etc. etc.  I've known my wife for 18 years however.  Dated when we were young, friends after that.  When we got engaged, the desire to have sex just wasn't that strong, but at that time in both of our lives, we needed each other's support for various reasons.  The more time we spent together, the more it felt right that we should be married.  We did not have sex until our honeymoon.  The anticipation for sex and intimacy was there for me, but soon after we got married, I realized that it wasn't as passionate and intimate as I had thought.  I thought that it would get better though, that this part of our relationship would grow.  The next few years fly by and we start talking of children.  I wanted children.  We had two.  Our sexual desire for each other never has grown, but my need for that in a relationship has remained from day one.  For one reason or another, I am reaching the end of the denial that it will won't ever happen.  In fact, I don't think I want it to.  She is a great person and a wonderful mother and a good friend, but at this point I don't think I want to continue to be her husband.  I am there for my children, and even for her as a friend, but I cannot continue to accept less than what would be good for me. 

So here I am today, with the harsh reality of my years of "blindness" and failures hitting me lick a ton of bricks.  I look back and wonder what the hell happened and where did all this time go?  Sex is not the only issue, by the way.  We differ in several other areas, but I'll keep this wrt sex and intimacy.  I know I am looking at a very emotionally painful experience coming up.  I feel incredibly guilty for this because I think it is partially my fault.  Why did I wait so long to discover this reality?  Why did I have children if I thought this was going to happen?  Did I marry for the wrong reasons?  Do I owe it to the world to try to manufacture intimacy and passion in my marriage (some research tells me yes)?  Am I giving up, deserting my committments?  What do I do and how? 

I think my situation differs a bit from some others here because I have lost the desire to try to fix something that probably never was there.  The flame is dead.  We are just roommates. 

I don't know if I can offer any advice to others.  I am just beginning to realize how hopeless my situation has always been.  Maybe my advice to others is to address issues openly and quickly. 

I have been married for 15 years to a beautiful woman. Her sex drive dropped off here about 12 years ago. I didnt have a clue on how to address the issue. We had some rough times through years 7-10. She was attending college to become a Vet, her stress load was extremely high. We had sex about 3 times during time frame. I considered straying but did not have the time to accomplish such a task with the responsibilities of work and helping around the home. After talking with my wife and expressing my frustrations I came to the realization that if your wife doesnt want to make any effort to fix the problem(eg. Seeing a doctor  or attending counseling) you have to accept this problem as reality. You cant fight it ....you will always loose.

I know alot of guys would have walked away a long time ago. I love her so walking away is not that easy and I am not going to give up on my love for her because she won't have sex with me.

SackedSahd

Sorry, if I had to go through the rest of my marriage and not have sex, then i would either cheat or not be married.  Chances are your spouse is cheating on you or at least cheating you out a part of marriage.  I was so taken with this discussion that I wrote about it in Examiner.com 

During my research I came across an article that might be of interest. 

here is the link to the article / letter written by a man in a similar boat

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/4621/a_letter_from_a_sexstarved_husband.html?cat=41

Each person has to make their own mind up.  But a life without sex with your partner is not a marriage.  It is a roommate.  In my opinion.  As for cheating, probably not worth it.  Better to get divorced first.

It has been nearly two years for my wife and I. So as you can imagine I’m at my wits end

I have talked to her, taken on all the house duties, I give her nice massages, still reassure her that she is as beautiful as ever and still nothing.  I some times think I’m missing something but I don’t know what it can be

My wife travels a lot for her job so you would think absence makes the hart grow fonder right!

But know it’s like a wall has been put between us with no intimacy getting threw

Now the frustration is setting in with no longer having a job and with the rejection from the wife

It makes me wonder am I still a man

Can any one HELP?

SackedSahd

I hate to say it, but if it has been two years and you are doing all of those things, something is definitely wrong with the relationship.  I suggest you take care of yourself immediately.  Start looking for work, and be prepared for the worst.  the guy who is now without work and lawyer and getting a divorce in another thread/posting should be your wake up call.

My first marriage ended long ago and it didn't take two years to get to the obvious.  I would land the job, then confront her head on with ultimatum.  All these guys who are willing to not cheat, not have sex and stay married are either saints or fools.  some of their wives are definitely cheating.  after going through it myself I know how much it hurts.

First of all, I'm sorry.

I'm not going to fall into the old stererotype of "men need sex and women don't" because those generalites just aren't true.

A significant part of your relationship has changed. You are not a bad husband for wanting more sex and she's not a bad woman for not being more amorus.

It's been written before, but I'll repeat it.  You need to talk with her.  It doesn't have to be confrontational. You can say, "Honey, I love you and our life together so much, but I'm feeling like our sex life isn't what it once was.  I know it might never be the same as life before kids, but I'd like it to be more often than it is.  I don't want to pressure you, but I need to know what you think we can do to rekindle some of our passion. How do you feel about our sex life right now?"

I also suggest counciling..you can never go wrong there.

Good luck,

Cameron

adadsheart.blogspot.com

We're married 40yrs and have known eachother for 45. Three years after we got married, the sex declined to almost nothing. I begged, pleaded, asked why, bought flowers, jewelry, a home, cars... you name it to find out what happened.. The only reply I ever got was that nothing was wrong.. Everything is fine.. but little or no sex... Then, when she wanted kids, there were no limits.. I worked just up the street from the house and could sneak home for quickies.. After the kids came,, again,, very little sex was the agenda.

Guys,Girls, I can't believe the honesty and openness that I have read in your posts. Thank you all for sharing your pain, frustration, despair and anger with what you have all been going through. I am going through a few trials and tribulations of my own at the moment, and feel this is perhaps the best, most honest site I have come across so far. My wife found this site/thread and indirectly left it on the favourites page for me to have a look at ( and although my problems aren't sex or libido directly related, this just seems like a cool, honest place to maybe get some answers).  I need to thank her for that.

Not one to share my feelings openly, this is a great way for me to express myself, or share my head with people that may(or may not) know what I'm going through.

I don't know how many Aussies you have in here, but, Hey! 1 more won't hurt, will it?

Thank you

Wow...reading this thread definitely makes one wonder.  I am going through the same thing many have written about.  Here is the situation:

-Married 8 years

-First 3 years we averaged 10-15 times a year...or roughly once a month.

-4th year it went down to 5 times in that year

-past 3 years ZERO times

As you can see we weren't exactly lighting up the night early on.  But you know what?  Once a month was a bit sparse but I wasn't all THAT unhappy with it.  But now it's down  to zip.  And the wife shows no signs of breaking out of her funk.  For many of the same reasons you all have posted we haven't done it.  A man can only beg so much.  What hurts the most is the fact that she knows I'm honorable and would do nothing to jeapordize the happiness of our 6 year old daughter.  This is where I get angry...it's as if I'm in an emotional prison.  Her mother knows about the situation and actually asked my wife if she ever worried about me cheating.  Wife's response, "never..he would never do that".  Damn it...I want her to be a bit nervous.  Three years is insane.  I'm 37 and she is 38...this is supposed to be the prime of our lives.  And the sad thing is...I really never would cheat for fear the wife would find out and my daughter would know what divorce feels like.

I feel so tricked and so abused.  I've been patient up to this point but I'm growing more and more angry.  She was supposed to see a doctor about this and failed to mention the subject.  Only to focus on other issues unrelated.

WTF is with these wives???????   And they actually have the nerve to suggest men a cheating pigs?  In situations like this....are you serious?

signed...frustrated...angry man from Florida

I think men and women view love and sex differently. Men view sex as love. Women view sex as procreation and intimacy. They view love by actions such as receiving flowers or taking long walks or really listening to them. We men need to explain to our women that when they make love to us it's like giving us flowers; it shows us they really love us. And that's REALLY what all of us are talking about here. We are not saying we're not getting laid. We're say we're not being showed that we are loved. Love is more important, more powerful than sex. Humans have done more crazy things to feel loved than to just get laid. We want to be loved... ALOT!!!

If you love her enough to buy her flowers, take long walks with her and really listen to her then she should love you enough to find out what she can do (medically, psychologically, whatever) to have some sex with you.

And, by the way, staying in the marriage "for the kids" is a farse - the kids are too smart not to realize mom and dad are not happy together. Kids need healthy relationships to emulate when they get older. Mom and dad who are not happy is not a healthy relationship and is not doing the kids any favors. Get your marriage righted, whatever it takes!

Al 14th Annual At Home Dad Convention www.athomedadconvention.com