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Arrrgghh! Not again!!

BritDad
Posts: 31
 Joined: 2006-11-21
 Dad Points: 55

Sorry, just wanted to vent, because I feel as if I’ve stepped back in time four years. My little lad has just gone off to school and I have discovered to my horror that the mums at the school gates are every bit as cliquey, dismissive and happy to exclude as the mums in the parks and playgrounds when I was the only AHD in town. I don’t know why I thought it would be any different (maybe shared experience, cameraderie at losing our ‘jobs’ etc), but if anything they’re worse! Arrgghhh!

Sorry, I know this isn’t new for any of you and it’s not a terribly original subject on here, just needed to get it out. I thought after the shock of first dealing with the cold shoulder when he was a baby, I had got over it – seems not. Back then, I picked myself up, said ‘Okay, so you don’t want to include me/talk to me/acknowledge my presence, fine, I’ll deal with it’ – and I did what we all do: keep trying despite the knocks, seek out other dads, seek out other parks/clubs, etc where they’re not so hostile. Keep smiling!

So why am I so annoyed by encountering it again? I think because it’s so illogical. Back in the day, it made a bit more sense: women might want to discuss breast-feeding without a man around, or they might want to bitch about their husbands, so my presence is cramping their style, I get that (still, that doesn’t explain why they couldn’t just say ‘Hello, how are you?’).

But this time, we’re all in the same boat, watching our kids (and our occupation for the last half-decade) disappear through the gates. It’s a big thing for all of us, you’d think people would want to share the burden. Maybe it’s the uptight Brits, I don’t know.

Ah well, I know it’s early days, I’m sure I’ll find some cool mums to talk to once they realise I’m not going away. 'Keep trying/Don’t Give up/Never Give up', as they say on Yo Gabba Gabba…


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Submitted by BritDad on Thu, 09/17/2009 - 3:19am.

New No.2
New No.2's picture
Posts: 636
 Joined: 2007-11-12
 Dad Points: 892
Hang in there

 

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I hear you BritDad - The assumption on all our parts is that the longer we are at the parenting game the more people will see what we have in common as people and as parents. It is our hope that the petty childish world of having a new born is behind us, but it isn't. Many of the parents at my daughter's school are very petty; I have learned to let it slide as best as I can. If you have any good friends from your at home days be thank full for them and remember about those who treat you badly, it isn't you it's them. Easily said I know when what you want for your boy is playmates and what not and seeing people back away or not give a toss is hard but give it some time ands see who your child makes friends with and try to foster friendships with their parents. Granted that kind’a worked for me but my daughter was happier.

 

Hang in there.

 

Be Seeing You.

Jon


Fri, 09/18/2009 - 8:37pm

Dowski
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Posts: 23
 Joined: 2009-09-19
 Dad Points: 35
Horrible recognition

 

Your post has a horrible familiarity for me.  I gave up a long time ago and just accepted the isolation.  What did and does annoy me is the practical side of it all.  Small conversations of great importance.  Which playgroups are best - which schools or nurserys are the best - which ones should be avoided - how early can I apply? - clothing for school - and all similar things.

I'm sure it's not deliberate for the most part - but I've often wonder if a woman in a male dominated environment was treated in the same manner - then how would that be perceived from the outside?  Chauvinism?

It is different for men.

 


Sat, 09/19/2009 - 4:00am

Hogan
Posts: 180
 Joined: 2008-04-21
 Dad Points: 274
American Moms Also Uptight

Sad to hear that this generation of at-home dads is still experiencing the same treatment I received 19 years ago.  BTW, working dads receive the same treatment.

Women are just not ready to give up any ground to men when it comes to parenting.  And that is not good for the kids.

Hang in there.

 


Sat, 09/19/2009 - 3:25pm

Howlsatmoonlight
Posts: 9
 Joined: 2009-09-17
 Dad Points: 17
Wow, its scary to see a

Wow, its scary to see a glimpse of my own future Tongue out.  And it seems eerily familiar to the experiences I had when I tried joining some of Air Force spouse clubs.  Understandably it was all women, who looked at me like a leper had entered their midst.  Women have fought for years for equality, and rightly deserved it.  Unfortunately they aren't ready to extend that same equality when men step into the very same roles they fought for so long to not be stereotyped as.


Sun, 09/20/2009 - 12:30am

TimB
Posts: 56
 Joined: 2008-06-21
 Dad Points: 80
Surprised

I'm surprised to hear this. I run a playgroup that has both dads and moms in it and have become friends with a couple of the moms along with several dads. We almost always talk about the kids and different activities that we can do with them. I don't feel like a leper at all. So far, I've encountered nothing but encouragement from most of the mom's. It's really about doing what's best for the kids and I think that, at least in my area, most of them recognize this. I'm sure there are still a lot of moms out there that don't look at us as being capable but I haven't really encountered it, or maybe I'm just not aware of it. I'm sorry to hear that many of you are still encountering bias toward stay-at-home-dads.


Sun, 09/20/2009 - 3:30pm

omahahomedad
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 Joined: 2008-08-18
 Dad Points: 152
Eventually they will make you one of the girls

I have two experiences to share. First, when I lived in Kansas City, many of the "mums" treated me much the same as you are currently experiencing. My kids were only in preschool but the moms generally kept their distance. It was a good thing there was such a great at-home dads group in KC so my kids had other kids to play with since most of the moms did not seem interested in scheduling playdates with a dad.

Second, when I moved to Omaha two years ago, my experience with moms was completely different. My daughter started Kindergarten and before long the moms seemed to get used to me. I walked my kids to school everyday. I was at every PTO meeting. I volunteered on field trips and other projects around school. It wasn't long before these moms accepted me and treated me as an equal. It was very unexpected but a great relief.

There is hope for you out there. Keep showing up because they can't ignore you forever (I hope!).

Al 14th Annual At Home Dad Convention www.athomedadconvention.com


Mon, 09/21/2009 - 12:11am

BritDad
Posts: 31
 Joined: 2006-11-21
 Dad Points: 55
Setting a poor example

Cheers chaps, it's always good to hear other people are going through the same thing - and good to hear the positive experiences too, it gives you hope. Anyway, I'm not letting it get me down, the key is perseverence - 'keep showing up' as omahahomedad says. The real shame of it is, they're passing on these petty, negative attitudes to their kids.


Mon, 09/21/2009 - 4:52am

markreader
Posts: 6
 Joined: 2008-04-17
 Dad Points: 10
get involved

I hear hear ya man. entering a new school is life changing for both SAHD and SAHM. understand that frst year parents don't know anyones and it takes awhile to find a groove. Best advice I can give is get involved/volunteer. Getting involved helps to show your committment to the school to earn some street cred. good luck.


Mon, 09/21/2009 - 6:56am

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