Hogan,

Thanks for sharing.  This must be really hard for you to endure.  I wish I had a pearl of wisdom that would either fix the situation or make it all go away, but I don't.  I can't imagine what it is like.  It terrifies me that it can happen to anyone.  My hope is that there soon is an event in his life that serves as a 'wake-up call', but is not so serious as to be irreparable. Good luck, and let us know if there is anything we can do.

Jim

Boulder, CO

Dad to Cole, Luke, Trev & Delaney

Regional Coordinator, DaddysHome Inc.

Thanks Jim and Liam.

I have talked with other dads. Some of their kids have turned their lives around for the better. Most have not.

I’m not hopeful that Grant will turn his life around any time soon. But when he is ready I will be there for him only if he will agree to do so on my terms and conditions.

I’m also concerned about Tina. She has been in counseling. The therapist told her to stop enabling Grant. But she won’t. She has been struggling with this deep-rooted issue since middle school. And the therapist back then also told her to stop enabling Grant. What concerns me most is the guilt she will feel when Grant seriously hurts himself or someone else.

I want to make it clear that Tina’s enabling is not to blame for our problems with Grant. Grant is the one making the bad decisions. However, Tina’s enabling has exacerbated the difficulties in dealing with Grant and affected our marriage.

This difficult issue with Grant has been a true test of my commitment to my marriage. Grant is the one engaged in illegal activity and acting like a jerk. Yet, Tina and her mom have treated me like I’m the bad guy.  Tina and her mom have also expressed more sympathy and showed more support for Grant than me.

Here are few examples:

Grant receives a ticket. He criticizes the policeman for giving him the ticket. Doesn’t pay it. He receives a failure to appear in court. Tina gives him money from our account to bail him out without telling me. (I thought it was our money but apparently in this case Tina made it appoint to tell me that she was using her money. ) J

I find proof that Grant is not only smoking marijuana but that he also used Matt's club volleyball backpack to transport marijuana. Which placed Matt's volleyball career in jeopardy. I told Tina and and she would not reprimand or give Grant a consequence.

I suggest that Grant not live at his grandmother's house and find his own place.  Tina and her mom disagree and let him stay.

Two weeks before Thanksgiving Grant asks for money ($500) to buy a dog. Tina and her mother buy the dog without talking with me about it first and introduce the puppy to me on Thanksgiving Day.  I feel sorry for the dog.

This is the kind of bullshit I’ve had to deal with. It really sucks.

Neither Tina or her mother realize how tough this has been on me. It has not been easy for me to make a moral stand against my son. Grant’s behavior has been inexcusable. But Tina and her mom keep excusing his behavior. As if he has no control over the bad decisions he has made.

I know that if I did something illegal, started smoking pot, gambling…. that Tina would express her disappointment with me. And her mother wouldn’t stand for it either and give me a tongue-lashing. But I guess there is a different standard for Grant.

Not receiving the moral support from Tina and her mom has been most painful.

Fortunately, I’ve found the strength to stay in this marriage. The good thing is that Tina and I are still sexually active. So that has helped a little.

Still hanging in there.

Thanks for listening.

Wow Hogan,

My new friend, I wish there was something smart and positive to say.  The only thing I know for sure that I am able to offer is another shoulder to lean on and be a friend that you may talk with any time.  I will definitely keep Grant in my thoughts and will send positive thoughts, wishes and vibes his way hoping that it will help Grant get back on track.

I am only able to imagine the difficulty you are having with your wife and MIL in regards to this and I am sure that you have attempted to talk with them to express your thoughts and feelings and I am sure that it is frustrating as can be to have your voice seemingly fall on deaf ears.  Keep to your guns and continue to do what you know is right for Grant and hopefully your wife and MIL will get it before long that enabling Grant is only hurting Grant that much more versus helping Grant out.

If there is anything I am able to do for you from here, please let me know and I will do my best to do what ever I am able to help you my friend.

Robb Midwest Regional Coordinator

Daddy's Home INC - The National At-Home Dad Network www.daddyshome.org

FYI, I almost didn't attend the convention this year because of the turmoil surrounding Grant, Tina and MIL but decided that maybe the best thing was for me to get away from the family.  It turned out to be the right choice.  Just being with you guys and the other at-home dads lifted my spirits.

Peter,

CSUN is about a 90 minute drive from our house.  CSUN is one of the volleyball colleges recruiting our other son, Matt.  What is your step-son's name and what year of school is he in?

Tina and I have had similar talks with Grant.  Unfortunately he has decided to take more stock in what his so-called friends have to say about life.

I also shared the comment you made about America to him.  I told him if that he thought the country was so bad then leave.  Do you know about the guy who wrote the book, "America: Love it or Leave it, So I Left”?

Adam Bilzerian is a Vanderbilt University graduate, who renounced his citizenship to the United States after college. He now boasts a passport from St. Kitts and Nevis. He apparently regretted his decision, noting, “You don’t appreciate what you have until it’s gone.”

Thanks Guys!

Glad to hear your son turned his life around for the better.  I wish him continued success.

Hogan, that must have been tough to write and I admire you for posting it.

That said, the only thing I have to add is to bring up the subject of him being a role model to kids.

Even that may not go over too well because of a stoned Michael Phelps is so dominating in the pool; then you have Bode Miller skiing for the US while buzzed on booze and winning but it may hit home deep down with Grant.

The only other thing I can offer is giving him tough love, when/if you catch him high/drunk and breaking the law and hopefully not driving but if he is, report him to the law.  I know that is harsh but when he stays clean he will hopefully see his ways could have hurt or killed people and he will thank you.

I know that is tough to consider but if he wants to play like a young adult, he will have to pay as an adult and hopefully before something horrific happens.

Good luck and I feel for you.

-RM-MHD's -Also Found On Facebook!

John,

Thanks for your advice but I've already followed it.  Upon the recommendation of the therapist, I have not intervened in Grant's life and emotionally removed myself from this unfortunate situation.  The problem is that each time Grant got in trouble his mom and grandmother bailed him out.  After each incident, I usually heard about it through the grapevine.  It sucks when your wife and MIL are keeping your son's inappropriate behavior from you and then bailing him out without your input or consent.

I appreciated the concern you noted, but I disagree with your suggestion that I'm causing harm to Grant or hurting our father/son relationship.  Grant is the one making the bad choices.  He is the one responsible for the harm he has caused.  Not me.

As I noted, I have to take the good with the bad.  When people asked about Grant, I felt compelled to tell them the truth.  If he was doing well, I would give them good news.  If he wasn't, I would give them the bad news.  I feel no shame about sharing bad news about Grant.  People that I have shared this with view this as a normal teenager issue and not a reflection of how I parented Grant.

FYI, two years ago Grant had publicly announced his support to campaign for legalization of marijuana in California to family, friends, strangers and AVP players so it was no secret that he was smoking pot.  Several AVP players on the tour had even told me that Grant had a bad attitude and knew he was smoking pot.  One of the top players on the tour, coaches and other people have talked with Grant.  But that didn't help.

Furthermore, discussing family issues is what this forum is for.  I feel safe here.  I'm sharing this information because no parent is immune to this scenario.  It can happen to the best of parents.

The choice to post this personal story was a very tough one.  But it was my choice.  I needed to do it for my own sanity.  Doing so gave me an opportunity to vent and relieve some of the heartache and tension I was feeling and going through.  It felt great to get it off my chest!!!!

I don't wish this upon any dad.  But it happens and when it does, I hope that me sharing these intimate details will help a dad work through this tough time and also keep a dad from beating himself up.

Hang in there Hogan.  What you are going through is definately one of my fears.  Somewhere inside Grant is a huge bank with all the love , care, and support that you and Tina have given him through the years.  That's the biggest thing in his favor for eventually getting himself out of this all.  Stay strong, and stay close to Tina and your friends.

KOD

Cdn Tim

Appreciated the "bank with love" comment Tim.

Thanks Tim B for sharing your personal story.  I get the impression that Grant will wind up taking the same path.  He is a very insecure person with a big ego.  So it will be difficult for him to admit his mistakes and seek help.

Al you hit the nail on the head.  Grant, Tina and MIL may not make the changes until Grant hits rock bottom.  You are also correct in noting that Tina, Grant and everybody in our social circle knows how I feel.

BTW, Tina does not enable our youngest, Matt, the way she does Grant.  I'm wondering if this could also be a mom not wanting to let go of her first born issue.

I've also realized that it is taking longer for Tina to come to terms with Grant's inappropriate behavior.  She was like a lioness defending her cub.  (I saw a dark side of Tina I'd never seen before.  It was brutal.)  She has also been in denial that her son is capable of inappropriate behavior and illegal activity.  And the idea of making him accountable for his bad choices and actions hurts even more.  Her way of dealing with it is to rescue him.

Tina told me that if Grant is arrested and calls from the jail, it will be hard for her not to bail him out.  But she has agreed that if it does happen, we will handle his release from jail on my conditions and terms.

The most valuable lesson I've learned is to not let the way Tina has handled Grant's situation affect our marriage.

I hope I'll still be around to give you guys good news about Grant.

I'm hanging in there because that is all I can do at this point.

Despite my recent challenges with Grant, Tina and MIL, life is good!!!!

Show him a different way to go.  The Olympic Volleyball Players practise in Anaheim.  Not sure if both men and/or women. Get a hotel. Take him to Disney California Adventure. Take him to a practise. Talk to the Coaches before you go. Ask them to talk to him after the practise.  Realize that it is a phase.  It can be diverted.  Change the subject. Change the Conversation.  Change the person. Never give up.  Never.  As for Disneyland and DCA this year if you both decide to Volunteer this year for a day, you get a free ticket to Disneyland and/or Disney California Adventure. Go to the Disney Disneyland Website. You can find it online. Change the story.

Has to.  People he knows will move. People he knows will stop, move, get a job, make a change.  Leaving him with fewer "friends".  At some point, he will decide to end it, or it  will be decided for him.   Either way, it will end, and you will be able to post good news.  It will happen.

Grant chose volleyball and to attend Pepperdine.

Grant has had a history of being lazy, not following directions and bad work ethics on and off the court.

His coach at Pepperdine, Marv Dunphy, is the John Wooden of volleyball. He had issues with Grant missing classes, not working hard enough to improve his game and himself as a person.

I’ve had several discussions with Coach Dunphy and other people in the volleyball world and they all pointed out that Grant had a very bad attitude problem. He always had something to bitch about, late for practice, putting people down, shoving is anti-American views down people’s throats….complaining about rules that he had to follow…etc….

The problem was that every time Coach Dunphy and I wanted to hold Grant accountable, he and his mother played the victim card. I suggested psychological intervention (ie sports psychologist and therapy) but Grant and his mother rejected it. Nothing was ever Grant’s fault.

Grant wanted to be pro but didn’t want to do the work it takes to be one. And that is true of most people in any profession.

This is more than just about volleyball. It is about Grant’s lack of commitment and work ethics. Here are examples.

After quitting volleyball he decided to venture into photography. He talked about his big plans. Well, he signed up for a photography class and then dropped out three weeks later.

Grant also had several opportunities from people I know to get a job. But he didn’t follow through. He still doesn’t have a job.

I suggested that he apologize to Coach Dunphy and talk to him about transferring to another Division I or Division II University that has a volleyball program. Grant still has 2 years of NCAA eligibility. I know several colleges who would give him a second chance and full scholarship. He can use the volleyball to get a free education. But he also rejected this suggestion because of the work he would have to put into it.

With great rewards comes great responsibility. Grant wants the rewards without earning it or accepting the responsibility.

If he has a real issue with drugs and his attitude sounds horrific you could always talk to your wife and see if she will take him to a local jail or prison, "you set it up ahead of time" and give him the this is what drugs will get you speach.  He sounds highly intelligent so you could also go the other way have her do the jail/prision thing then a week or so later take him to a college with a bunch of hot women and say you just want the best for him.  After all you can only poin the man in the right direction.

Brad

You have no idea how much I've lightened up.  I've lightened up so much to the point of feeling guilty.  I'm now questioning whether or not I should have put my foot down and not backed down.  It's tough to deal with a spouse who won't make compromises.

Furthermore, Tina and Grant have been deceitful, lied and stolen money from me.  (Which they have admitted. Part of what comes with addiction and enabling).  And I'm the one that is supposed to lighten up.

Give me a break!

Yes, I think guilt definitely has something to do with it.  And I talked to Tina about it.  But the issue is much deeper.  The major problem is that Tina doesn't understand how her enabling is hurting Grant and also undermining my efforts to provide structure and teach the kids that they are accountable for their actions.

Tina is also stubborn.  She admits to her enabling and has gone to therapy and been told to stop.  But she won't.  We all have our shortcomings and need to change our behavior.  I had mine and made changes.

I also asked Tina to look at the flip side.  Pretend that I'm a dad who is too hard on a child to the point of emotional and/or physical abuse.  Or a dad trying to live vicariously through his child and forcing him to play a sport.  Or a dad who's an alcoholic.  I'm sure Tina would object to any of these scenarios and want me to change my behavior.  How would she like it if I told her that I'm either trying to stop or don't want to?  I'm sure I'd get a good ear full of what a jerk I am.

The biggest problem with our situation is that Grant is no longer a child.  He is an adult, now 22.  But Tina still treats him like a baby.  Each time he is in trouble mom is there to save him financially.  The way Grant sees his life is .....Why should I work?  Why should I go to school?  Why should I do anything?  Anytime I want or need something mom and grandma are a phone call away and they will give me what I need.

The enabling is so bad that I (and Tina) can't remember the last time Tina said No to Grant.

The other thing that Tina doesn't see is that eventually Grant could become a taxpayer's problem.

I do understand how hard it is for a mom to let go of a child and send him into the real world.  But it is just as hard for me, a dad, to let go too!  Tina hates that it is so easy for me to let go.  Well, it's not.  I'm hurting too!  It hasn't been easy accepting the fact that your son is acting like a selfish, ungrateful, disrespectful, dishonest person.  A person who has also manipulated his mom into lying and stealing for him.  That is not the kind of person I taught him to become.

An old adage I shared with Grant is - "The choice you make makes you."  If this is the life he has chosen, I have no problem with it. What I do have a problem with is that he is not willing to accept the consequences of his choices.  Every failure in his life has always been somebody else's  fault.  Tina sees it the same way.  Grant is always the victim.

Despite his current situation Grant has options that he and his mom won't consider or act on.

1.  Grant still has 2 years of NCAA eligibility.  He can apologize to the Pepperdine coach and ask to transfer to another university.  I know the coach well enough that he'll give Grant a second chance and I know several Division I and II university that would give Grant a scholarship.

2. I can get him a job even in this economy.  I know people who will give him a job.

3.  He can move to Texas where there are plenty of jobs.  I know people there too.

4.  He can go back on the AVP Tour and play for the USA Team.  He is that good of a player.

5.  He can join the military.

I told Grant how I felt and that one day he will regret all the bridges he burned and opportunities he passed up.  When that day comes I hope that he will be man enough to do the right thing.  And when he does I'll be there for him.

I'm also thinking about contacting Alanon to see if they have a support program for spouses of enablers.  As much as I'm hanging in there, I'm also struggling.

Thanks for your concern and insight.