I have an 18 month old daughter and 4 month old son. I treat my son as though he's already trying out for high school football. I find myself telling him to stop crying and suck it up! I realize he's an infant, but I can't help it. I've never treated my daughter this way, and would probably punch someone else in the face if I caught them talking to her in such a way. In my defense, he does have a very irritating and girly cry. Just wondering if anyone else has this problem.
Is anybody else harder on their son than daughter?
Sexism stuff
Chefdad,
First, I would say that what you are describing is probably pretty typical for our Society. There is a tendency for girls and boys to be treated differently even during those early weeks, months and years by both moms and dads. It is how sexism continues to thrive. The words you are using towards your son are probably similar to the words you heard when you were young. I'm pretty sure that there are studies that show it is common for parents to play and talk rougher with boys and hold and pick up girls more.
Knowing all of this and more I have to confess that I also treat my kids different (I have a 3 yo son and a 1 yo daughter). I try to avoid some of the verbal stuff but often find myself thinking the same things you are saying. I also wrestle more with my son. (my daughter was premature so I am trying to attribute some of the differences to my being worried about her health and size). I find that already some defined gender roles have been set for my son even though we have tried to avoid laying that on him. I do consciously try to avoid telling my son to stop crying (although, I surely think it). I believe that it is probably healthy for him to be able to cry and tantrum rather than shoving his feelings inside.
duty calls, good luck
Let it go
Okay, I don't mean for this to sound like I'm being an ass, but, seriously...
LET IT GO!
He's four months old for crying out loud. Some baby's crys are more annoying than others, but you'll get used to it, somewhat.
Besides, you have to get passed this because it's going to get worse. Your daughter, if she is anything like mine, will love to play dress up and her brother will want to be a princess just like her. It's going to happen. Has with my 2 year old son. I just roll with it because I know he doesn't care what's girl stuff and what's boy stuff; he just wants to join in the game. I'll start worrying about it if he's still wearing princess dresses when he's 16.
As at-home dads, many of us feel like we are emasculated and less of a man. Perhaps his girly cry is like a mirror to you and how you feel as a man in this role. Try to remember that you are NOT less of a man. This is a very brave journey you are on; a journey most men can not handle. It will change you, your children and society. Raising children as a full time job is not girly. Perhaps remembering that will lessen the cry's annoyance.
That, or a good set of earplugs!
Al Watts, Vice-President, Daddyshome, Inc. - The National At-Home Dad Network
Thanks
Thanks for the input guys. I know I should treat my baby boy as a baby more often. He won't be little for long. That's pretty insightful Omahadad, I appreciate it. Thanks for all your support guys.
P.S. Don't worry about sounding like an ass, that's exactly what I needed to hear.
Very Brave
Chefdad,
That took a lot of courage to post what you did. Bravo!
I heard a great public speaker the other day. He talked about how from day one we begin raising girls to be women and boys to be men. His point was we need to raise children to be decent, hard working, compassionate adults.
I have two boys, and it has been my personal mission to make sure my boys will feel comfortable with their feelings. Let's face it, we all have them, it's just that as men, we've been taught to stuff them. If you keep telling your boy to "suck it up" he will grow up feeling guilty or less of a man whenever he has feelings that men in general, and his father, specifically, deem as unacceptable.
I have a little anecdote I want to leave with you. The other day, my 3 year old was running to give me a hug good-bye. He leapt over some toys, got his feet taken out from under him, and came down hard on his tailbone. I think we can all agree that isn't a very pleasant feeling. He got up, and I asked him if he was ok. I could see him wincing and fighting back the tears as he said, "yeah...I'm ok."
Now, I have never once told him to "suck it up" or to "be a man" or "be tough" so he certainly wasn't choking back his tears to show dad he was a man. To be frank I was a little upset that he WASN'T crying. Where did my boy get this idea that he couldn't cry if he was hurt?
My feeling, and point to this little story, is that your son will face enough pressure--from peers, from media, from Hollywood to "be a man" without having the extra immense pressure of feeling like he's letting his dad down. The single greatest gift you can give your son is to let him know he is loved just for being himself...what ever that may be.
I keep a blog about parenting from a dad's perspective--I thought of this entry when I read your post.
http://adadsheart.blogspot.com/2010/01/tough-love.html
I suggest that if you are still finding it tough to listen to him cry, you might have some of your own issues around emotions/manhood (hell, we all have issues so don't worry about that.) Consider finding a professional to talk to, yourself.
Good luck and don't forget you've got a good group to lean on, here.
Cameron
adadsheart.blogspot.com
I honeslty treat both of my
I honeslty treat both of my kids like that. I am overly tough on both of them as I really hope they don't grow up like 1/2+ of the people in this country. You know the I want it now, I am going to cry over a scratch, etc... I find it is nice treating them equally tough as it has really helped me know when my 3 year old cries over something now I usually know she is really hurt. For example if she falls down she wont cry usually unless she is bleeding. I see so many parents jump all over their girls as soon as they fall and am like let the kid get up and find out if they are hurt. I find they tend to do it with girls much more than boys though I don't know why, from what I have seen kids are equally tough, or as tough though everybody has their own personalities of course.
Brad
Joined: 2010-02-04
Dad Points: 47