I carry a bag. No man, it’s ok to admit it. And chances are, you carry a bag to. I know, it’s tough and yet it’s still true. Sure, we all call it different things. It’s a backpack. Or it’s the child’s satchel. It’s the “football.” Sure man, whatever you want to tell yourself to make yourself feel better. But the truth is: You and I both carry a bag or have carried a bag at one time or another. It’s just part of the job. It’s like carrying a nail gun if you are a roofer. It’s just an essential piece of equipment. And yet, it’s still a bag.
There is no shame in this brother. It’s just a piece of equipment, there’s no reason to be embarrased. Unless your “football” is pink. If it is, then you should be embarrased. In fact, I’m laughing at you right now. So grow a pair and go down to Babies R Us and get you something a little more manly. Better yet, go down to a hardware store and get a tool case and sew on some straps. That’s right, sew some on. As long as the bag isn’t pink, you can get away with anything. And while you are at it, iron on something cool as well. May I suggest the phrase: Death From Above. I saw it on the Simpsons once and always liked it.
My point is, at one time or another, we have all carried the Bag. Women refer to this as a diaper bag. But we are not women. Sure, we stay home with the kids but this does not make us want to immediatly start writing little cutesy notes on pink scented stationairy. So take owner ship of the diaper bag, it will save your life.
I’ve seen father’s carry the pink diaper bag. Chances are it was picked out by mom. The more forward thinking wives might have gone with the avacado green perhaps as they consider it a neutral colour. It’s not by the way, you are still a sissy. Maybe you even have a brown one. Well, we call it brown but your wife calls it beige. It’s still brown dude. And it’s wrong man, just wrong.
Would you have picked out an avacodo 1970’s bag? Nope. And you would have passed over the beige one as well. Because you watch football. Because you spit when you need to Because you know what the phrase “A Farmer’s Hankie” refers to and you have taught your children how to do this little nose clearning trick. Let me put it in terms that we can all understand. Would you let your wife pick your fantasy football team? Of course you wouldn’t so why would you let her pick out your bag? And if you did let her pick your team, let me know how your team does this next season. I hear Ryan Leaf is going to make a comeback.
I consider myself somewhat of a bag conasiur at this point and I would like to offer just some easy tips for the new dad. You know my first one: Pick out your own bag. Blue, red and black are all acceptable. Also, the straps should be strong enough to catch onto a jagged piece of metal while you dangle off the other end. And just in case you should have a really cool one liner ready such as, again, Death From Above. You may never need it but the diaper bag means always being prepared.
And what goes into the manbag is equally as important. Sure, there are diapers. Any igmo can figure that one out. But there should also be at lease one cloth diaper. Not that you would ever use it. However, it’s handy ot have when you want to impress a hot mom with your parenting skills. Show her how friendly you are with the enviroment. Your manbag should basically be a toolkit that a spy would use. So get a dartgun and a little camera in there as well.
Wipes are, of course, important. In a pinch you could always use the cloth diaper as a wipe but then you would have to throw it away finally proving how environmentally friendly you are. You could get one of those handy small wipe containers and fill it as needed. However, in my experience, when one of my children take a dump it’s never “small” So I carry around 514 wipes at a time. Sure it’s a little heavier, but as a man you have the upper body strentgh to hump it. If you can’t then an Army Ranger will judge you.
An extra set of clothes is also nice to have in there. Something with a heavy metal theme or a nice picture of a truck. Who doesn’t love trucks? My little girl loves trucks so it’s really unisex clothing. Mom may not agree when your daughter comes home looking like Joan Jett but that’s ok because you are the one out in the world with the kids and that means it’s your rules. Go with trucks or Metallica. Don’t forget underwear though. I alwasy forget the underwear. I have one kid in diapers and one in underwear. It’s probably a good idea to keep some of that in there for yourself. Fatherhood is a messy job.
And it’s a job that requires a lot of repairs. So get a mulitool in there and some duck tape. Face it, your kids are going to break stuff. It’s what they do, it’s in thier job description. Eat, sleep and break a ton of crap while running wild in a place that actually is more appriate for whispers and tip toes. Maybe it’s going to be a simple fix, like the handle of a mug. Or maybe it’s something a little more complicated like a Monet. Either way, with a multitool and some duck tape you can fix anything. Go Mcgrueber on it and just put it back on the wall. But you should also keep some bail money in there as well. Just in case.
I also keep switchblade in there as well. Not that I would ever use it even if I had cause to use it. I just use it for the shock factor. Women love the bad boy. That’s all I’m saying.
There should also be some daily incidentals in there as well. Sunscreen for impromtu foutain running, bottles and/or a sippy cup, bandaids to fix the switchblade mishaps, a bottle opener (mine is in the shape of The Starship Enterprise), bo-bo cream for both you and the children, fake dog poop becuase everyone thinks that’s still funny, and perhaps a little flask filled with juice. It goes well with the switchblade theme. I also keep a Barbie in there as well because it comes in handy during screaming fits in the middle of the zoo.
But most imporantly and above all else, there is one rule that you must adhere to. Never, under any circumstances, not even under the penalty of death, ever, ever, ever: Let you wife reorganize or pack your manbag. Trust me on this one brother. Listen to me. She’ll mess it up. It will drive you crazy.
Next thing you know your pliers and your duck tape will be replaced the pink stationary for you to take notes on with a pen that has a heart shaped cap. They mean well, they really do. But we are with the kids every single day. We know what we need and there is nothing worse than reaching into your manbag and not being able to pull out your flask full of Hawaiian Fruit Punch. If you don’t believe me, go ahead and try it. Ignore the wisdom of my experience. But when you reach for a bottle and the wrong nipple is in there and it doesn’t match your bottle, you only have yourself to blame. You could probably fix that with the duck tape though but that’s probably gone to. Have fun with your avocado green bag though, it looks fabulous.