So far I’ve written posts about How To Cook, What’s it Like to be a SAHD, and A SAHD and His Man Bag. I do this in an effort to educate. To give my knowledge to those that are going down the same path or that are thinking about it. Let’s face it, I’m a giver. I’m one step away from being Santa Claus. I’ve even got the gut going.
But all that is elementary school stuff in the SAHD world. It’s time to go to college. If you’ve soaked up the past articles then you’ve got a good base, let’s see if we can build on it. You know what 2 +2 is, now let’s see if we can find the derivative of x. Let’s face it, this isn’t an easy gig. We may have thought it would have been in the begining. We may have had dreams taking long naps and then being woken up gently when Oprah comes on. But the reality of what we have chosen soon finds a way to jump on your crotch with a pair of knees of a 2 year old boy. I don’t know why reality and children always aim for the crotch, but they do. It’s better to be prepared than to be caught without your cup.
So let’s begin to prepare you. Let’s retire our old little GI Joe backpacks and the paste that tastes so good with bread. It’s time to move up to college rule paper and bluebooks. You’re first heading on your new notebook should be “TAXES” and what a SAHD needs to know.
There is no tax deduction for being a stay at home parent. There is a tax deduction for day care but not one for actually doing the care yourself. Debate that amongst yourselves as to whether that is right or wrong. But consider this as you do–the following items have all appeared as legitimate tax deductions in the past (seroiusly): Body oil, Sex Change Operations, Cat Food, Boob Jobs, Free Beer, and Babysitting. I’m not making that up but I wish I could write a joke that good.
I brought this up to my wife and she smirked like I was an idiot. Her actual response was “Now you know what stay at home mom’s have been dealing with you filthy manbearpig.” I was expecting a bit more support than this. However, my wife finds delight when I discover the inequalities between the sexes now that I am seeing it from the other side. We had a 40 minute discussion on why Viagra is covered by health insurance and birth control is not. She seems to think that this is somehow my fault. I tried to argue that I am practically a feminist, I am a stay at home dad! Give me a sash and a nice little catch phrase and I would be more than ready to march with my sisters. But somehow it came out that I am solely to blame for all the inequalities between the genders even though I feel that I am doing a pretty damn good job to rectify that. We would have continued the arguement but I had to get dinner ready before she got home.
This just goes to show my expectations going into the SAHD job and how they differed from reality. There was a lot I did not know about being a stay at home dad. A ton in fact.
If it looks like poop, it probably is. Do not confuse it with the chocolate poptart that you had for breakfast this morning. Just grab your cleaning supplies or call the dog over. Trust me on this, it will prevent you from ruining a perfectly Sportscenter morning.
It is only OK to let your kids watch South Park with you if your wife is not home.
Appetite for Destruction can describe your children during mealtime or be the main CD selection during music time.
A stroller can get through a crowd of people pretty well. A stroller painted in flames with an airhorn can do it even better.
Mom’s mace should never leave her purse.
If anyone asks, yes, you do work out everyday. I mean what else are you going to do with all that free time of laying around the house all day? Raise the children? Now you are just being silly.
Pancakes with whip cream smiley faces are cool.
The quicker you can train your child to use a shopvac the happier you will be. Let’s face it, a normal vacuum cleaner cannot handle the level of destruction that you are unleashing upon the world. You need something that comes advertised with horsepower.
You are not allowed to cry when your child headbutts you in the face. I don’t care how bad it hurts and I don’t care how much you bleed, no tears. We have an image to protect here.
Wipes can be used as bases in a quick game of wiffle ball in the house.
Open gyms or Fun Runs are appropriate places to take a child. A tattoo parlor is not. Unless of course they want to get some ink done. Then it’s ok.
You know that your day is over when your house is destroyed, your wife is happy, and your children are tucked away in bed after demanding that Daddy doesn’t ever go back to work.